Sammy Sosa experimented with the white person look two years ago, but his transformation is complete just in time for his 42nd birthday today.

Sosa had seen Dr. Cody Sandage, the world’s leading specialist in white person transformation, for several tentative treatments in 2008.

“At the time, I was trying to court Jessica Simpson,” Sosa said. “My visits to Dr. Sandage were in partnership with a facial cream Jessica was promoting. Anyway, I got tired of her and her zits and dumped her off on Tony Romo.”

Sandage served as an apprentice for much of the 1980s and ’90s, and his work on Michael Jackson depicts the flaws of his work during those fledgling years spent honing his craft. These days, his perfected practice is located in Lincoln Park, Chicago.

“Much of my early work just turned out guys who looked like ghosts, and Michael always looked like a pancake, much to my chagrin,” Sandage said. “I  thought of him as my career patient and the symbol of a failed career. I was thrilled when Sammy came along because I knew I would pick up where I left off after Michael.”

With the media horde laying in wait in the parking lot outside Sandage’s office, Sosa emerged after his final visit.

“You know I can’t dance, you know I can’t dance,” a smiling Sosa said, mimicking singer Leo Sayer.  Sosa then got in his Toyota Prius, and the strains of Justin Timberlake were heard from the car stereo as he slowly drove away at less than the posted five mph speed limit, and stopped for a full three seconds at every stop sign the parking lot had to offer.

By HecklerRob