Bears offensive coordinator Mike Martz was recently spotted at Gibson’s Steakhouse in Chicago, bewildering and berating a well-trained staff member with an elaborate order that even a sultan would not have the boldness to order.

“Off the record, Mr. Martz made no sense when ordering dinner,” said his waiter. “He had asked me to bring him something called mustard lasagna, then to run a ‘button hook’ so the chef can ‘hit me in the flats,’ whatever that means.”

Martz continued the onslaught of confusing demands, asking for food the restaurant does not serve and the meat of at least three different extinct animals. Waiters were offended when asked to zigzag wildly between tables to “create separation.”

“While he was difficult to accommodate, we found a way to fulfill Mr. Martz’s needs,” said the staff manager. “I told the chef to prepare a porterhouse, rare, with sprinkles and a side of hummus, and for the waiter to run a deep post route. Mr. Martz seemed pleased and tipped generously. He is welcome here any time.”

From The Heckler’s Sept/Oct 2010 issue by Marvin Venis Benjamin. Click here to subscribe!