It’s not even September and North Side baseball is already a painful afterthought. Luckily The Heckler’s August issue is here to dull the pain with unbelievable coverage of the Loveable Losers. There’s also great stuff about the rest of the teams in our fair city, so please read on.
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Among this issue’s headlines
Cubs install giant toilet ad outside Wrigley encouraging fans to ‘Flush this season’
Every recipe in Cubs Cookbook leaves bad taste in mouth
Cubs skipper search narrowed down to a room full of monkeys or Magic 8-Ball
Sandberg gets goldfish to prove he’s responsible enough to run team
Brenly has secretly been managing from booth while Lou napped
Empty Wrigley seats rented out as storage space
Cubs make vets carry Castro’s and Colvin’s bags on trips
Dempster, Soto play hide-and-seek in giant noodle
Even Fontenot forgets he’s on the Cubs
Big Z named new team shrink for Cubs reality TV show
In show of team unity, Cubs stop waxing eyebrows for rest of season
Fontenot found growing to bench
D Lee hits into quadruple play
Cash-strapped Cubs hire part-time manager to save on health insurance
Piniella to manage remainder of year in Tommy Bahama shirt
Woo-Woo in History: Woodstock with Jimi Hendrix
Wrigley Field News
Wrigley set to become white person mecca for Dave Matthews concerts as Snoop added to bill
Shortened end zones at Wrigley don’t bother NU or U of I as neither team has scored a TD in years
White Sox News
RATT sells out two shows at U.S. Cellular Field
Guillen really enjoyed that ‘[expletive deleted] omelet’
U.S. Cellular Field Fireworks expert loses mullet, last remaining thumb in tragic mishap
Jenks momentarily full … OK, now he’s good
Steinbrenner buys baseball team in hell
26 more pitchers throw no-hitters this week
A-Rod hits 324th non-steroid HR, 600th overall
Angelo spends most of practice with ‘Kick Me’ sign on his back
Martz playbook has WRs colliding with each other at unseen levels
Cutler picked off by a tackling dummy
Tice better option than all but two of the linemen he’s coaching
Lovie runs into old Pop Warner coach, asks for coaching advice
Marinelli prepared to assume role as scapegoat for Lovie’s defensive woes
Bears sort of confident they can at least beat Lions
USC returns Kim Kardashian and all of Reggie Bush’s other old trophies
Nation eagerly awaits comeback of INT-tossing QB who won his only Super Bowl 13 years ago
Girl still has Stanley Cup-licking photo as her Facebook profile pic
Stan Bowman trades Stanley Cup for more sensibly priced coffee mug
ESPN’s ‘The Decision’ deluxe two-disc Director’s Cut DVD goes on sale
Post-LeBron era forces Cleveland to be re-named ‘New Detroit’
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