After Sunday’s 20-point loss to the Cardinals, Bears fans are wondering how coach Lovie Smith gets his team ready for a game. Here are the top 15 ways.
15) Pours over last week’s game film to make sure nobody forgot to thank other team for embarrassing them.
14) Looks up “prepare” in the dictionary, but eventually decides it’s too harsh a word to say out loud or even think about in private.
13) Wednesday afternoon potato sack races around Halas Hall!
12) Formulates defensive game plan with the help of his pet cat Ronnie and some neighborhood kids.
11) Removes hot-dogging players from practice and hugs them for as long as necessary.
10) Gathers team for weekly viewing of Richard Linklater’s classic films “Dazed and Confused” and “Slacker.”
9) Tells players the inspirational story of Bob Babich, reminding them that even if they don’t perform, they still have a job in this organization.
8) Memorizes postgame sound bites before kickoff, guaranteeing the action on the field has no bearing whatsoever on his comments to reporters.
7) Changes Tommie Harris’ diaper.
6) Hits himself in head with hammer, ensuring in-game decisions will be excruciatingly delayed and dim-witted.
5) Devotes 60 percent of defensive practice time to ball-stripping drills, 39 percent to missed tackling and remaining 1 percent to “general whining” techniques.
4) Sends text to opposing coach revealing entire first half game plan, because “it’s the right thing to do.”
3) Scours Sunday morning comics for ways to brighten the locker room mood during halftime.
2) Checks under players’ tongues to make sure they also swallowed their pregame horse tranquilizers.
1) Asks head referee to explain the rules of football one more time, please.
By George Ellis, co-founder and managing editor