The improved play of wide receiver Devin Hester has helped the Bears offense vertically stretch the field this season, yet the speedster’s punt returns continue to take him backwards, sideline-to-sideline and beyond.

“I saw all these massive bodies and thought they were opposing linebackers,” said Hester, after a runback Sunday against the Cardinals took him completely out of Soldier Field and netted him only one yard when he finally made it back to the field of play. “All I know is now I’ve got this T-shirt that says ‘I SAW SUE’ on it with a big dinosaur.

“I finally noticed something had gone wrong when I attempted a lateral to [Greg] Olsen,” he said. “Turns out it was just the caveman exhibit.”

There were also unconfirmed reports Hester was seen on stage at nearby Northerly Island.

Concerned their top offensive threat might wander off dry land on future punt returns, the Bears have constructed Hester a special helmet equipped with a snorkel, just in case he wanders too close to Lake Michigan or the Shedd Aquarium.

From the October 2009 issue by Dan Bradley