The U.S. Census Bureau released a report estimating that Brian Urlacher’s season-ending wrist injury will be directly responsible for a 37 percent rise in the population due to the additional time the linebacker can spend impregnating women.

The study, based primarily on hearsay and word-of-mouth, comes just two months after Urlacher sustained the injury in the Bears’ first game of the year in Green Bay.

Urlacher has been able to see the bright side of his injury, which some feared could threaten his all-pro career.

“As terrible as it’s been, this injury is a blessing in disguise,” said a velour-clad Urlacher. “Sure, football’s my passion. But I’ve got another passion. Contributing to the growing concern of overpopulation. One man. Two passions. Urlacher. I love football and making babies.

“Thankfully I’m great at both.”

From the October 2009 issue by Ben Kobold. Photo courtesy of