The U.S. Census Bureau released a report estimating that Brian Urlacher’s season-ending wrist injury will be directly responsible for a 37 percent rise in the population due to the additional time the linebacker can spend impregnating women.
The study, based primarily on hearsay and word-of-mouth, comes just two months after Urlacher sustained the injury in the Bears’ first game of the year in Green Bay.
“As terrible as it’s been, this injury is a blessing in disguise,” said a velour-clad Urlacher. “Sure, football’s my passion. But I’ve got another passion. Contributing to the growing concern of overpopulation. One man. Two passions. Urlacher. I love football and making babies.
“Thankfully I’m great at both.”
From the October 2009 issue by Ben Kobold. Photo courtesy of larrybrownsports.com.