“I want Harvey and Wheeler to gain major league experience without being injured while we remain noncompetitive,” Collins said. “Their respective starts will be on this upcoming Tuesday and Wednesday and again in late September.”
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“Once again, ESPN has broken new ground in sports programming,” said a network spokesperson. “The interest in these two teams is overwhelming among the only demographic that counts, the northeast United States.”
Tim Tebow has just been cut from the Jets and his agent’s phone has been ringing off the hook ever since. But it is not NFL teams that are calling to recruit the controversial quarterback. It is reality television producers calling to pitch show ideas to the failed football star. Some ideas coming from some not so regular reality outlets.
A tearful Tebow told reporters at a farewell press conference, “While I’m sorry to leave the Jets, I look forward to being with my new Sin teammates and the challenge of the Lingerie-brand of pro football.”
More than a year-and-a-half since him and Kim Kardashian separated, and just days after their divorce was finalized, the Brooklyn Nets’ Kris Humphries torched the Chicago Bulls for career highs of 56 points and 22 rebounds along with 12 blocked shots in a first-round playoff game.
“This study comes as a surprise to no one,” claimed Regina Benjamin, U.S. Surgeon General. “Mets fans have mostly been unable to achieve an erection since 1986, while many living Jets fans cannot become aroused even mentally.”
“I think The Ghost of Manny can be a really great addition to our squad this year,” said Alderson. “We knew we needed a fresh body to man the outfield, and when we called the The Ghost’s agent up in Heaven, we got an excited response from an apparition who sounded enthused to join the Mets.”
“These are the same casts that 10 or 15 Yankees will probably have to wear this season,” said Yankees GM Brian Cashman. “For the low price of $34.99, you can experience 2013 just like a player on the field.”
The Cubs surprised the sports world today, signing 35-year-old DH Travis Hafner to a 10-year, $125 million contract. The oft-injured former Cleveland Indian hasn’t played more than 150 games in a season since 2007, but team president Theo Epstein said he finally couldn’t resist the urge to frivolously spend his club’s money on an aging veteran who does nothing to improve the team.
“I guarantee I’m going to win the Bro Bowl,” Rex boasted during the pregame spread of chicken wings, nachos and Budweiser. “With Mark Sanchez as my triple-threat quarterback, there’s no way my hack of a brother can take me down!”
“For most of my adult life, this team has been garbage, and I got accustomed to booing and stuff when Isiah was the coach and they would lose,” said one fan. “So even when they win now, I boo.”
