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4/10 – Carlos Zambrano arrested for stealing a bicycle built for two, claims he needed the extra seat for his other, more sane personality.

4/18 – Jason Richardson revealed to be the only Orlando Magic player with any spell casting ability whatsoever.

4/13 – Tom Ricketts asks city to pay Carlos Silva’s 11.5 million salary, pay for his lunch at Taco Bell and pay for his lawn care.

4/23 – Houston Rockets, drunk at a bar, admit they feel left out of “Didn’t draft Michael Jordan in 1984” discussion. “Akeem only won us two titles,” slurs franchise to nearby prostitute.

4/23 – NCAA lays down law at Ohio State, demotes Jim Tressel to University of Michigan head coach and will make Terrelle Pryor throw left-handed in 2011.

By Patrick Olson

Heckler George