Wrigleyville is currently preparing itself for an onslaught of frat boys, posers and custies when the Dave Matthews Band rolls into town Sept. 17 and 18. The concerts promise to be the largest gathering of white people in Chicago since the downtown Apple Store waiting line for the new iPhone in June.

“The white Cubs fan has been our bread and butter for quite some time,” said Cubs President Crane Kenney. “A Dave Matthews fan is an extension of a typical Cubs fan, albeit considerably more irritating.”

Local shops are gearing up for a mix of 30-something white folks with disposable incomes and insufferable 17-year-olds who borrow their parents’ Range Rovers. A hemp stand, Birkenstock boutique and crooked-hat store are in line to bank some serious cash when the washed-up Dave Matthews Band brings their tired yet profitable act to Wrigley Field.

“I just don’t get the appeal,” said Terrance Johnson, a local African-American. “I went to a Dave Matthews concert once and left before the show started. Twenty different people asked me if I was the violin guy. It was crazy annoying.”

White people in the Chicagoland area are already planning their next mobilization once the Dave Matthews Band leaves town. Options include Frisbee golf, sailing and watching intolerable hipster films.

From the August 2010 issue by Jimmy Juliano. Click here to subscribe today!