Since Lou Piniella announced his retirement last month, speculation as to his replacement has reached a fevered pitch. And now that he ended his career six weeks early it’s only gotten worse.

It seems everyone is an expert, demanding GM Jim Hendry hire the likes of Ryne Sandberg or Joe Girardi. With the whole baseball world weighing in, The Heckler is here to help you, loyal Cubs fan, make sense of this madness.

Here’s a list of pros and cons of some of the names that have been floated as candidates:

Ryne Sandberg
Pro: Would immediately focus on fundamentals to help shore up the Cubs’ infield defense
Cons: Would immediately become best second baseman on the roster

Bob Brenly
Pro: Cubs have already paid for his airfare for the season
Con: Partying all season with Len Kasper probably wore him out already

Ronnie “Woo-Woo” Wickers
Pro: Best player motivator … no one would want to have to sit on the bench with this guy around
Con: Might struggle with the media relations aspect of the job

Alfonso Soriano
Pro: Might bench himself
Con: Might play himself

Jim Riggleman
Pro: Would have no trouble running Zambrano out there for 150 pitches
Con: Would have no trouble running Cashner out there for 150 pitches

Dusty Baker
Pro: Turned the Reds into winners
Con: Still an idiot

Joe Girardi
Pro: Ended the Yankees’ unsightly decade-long title drought
Con: Probably turned into an asshole after three years living in New York

Mike Quade
Pro: Currently the winningest manager in MLB history with a 1.000 winning percentage
Con: Should just quit while he’s ahead

Rod Blagojevich
Pro: Beat the feds 23-1 last week and that must be tougher than playing .400-ball against the Pirates
Con: Made many terrible decisions last time he was in a position of authority; pretty sure he’s crazy

Vince Vaughn
Pro: Prevents him from committing to “Couples Retreat II”
Con: Only attends games when his team is in contention

By Rich Fruin