In a bold move designed to “stack the opinion deck just in time of the playoffs,” CBS has hired a 10th host for the network’s venerable NFL Today broadcast.

“Viewers really responded when we went to a nine-man panel last month, so we figured why not make it an even 10?” said CBS Sports Director Scott Villanova. “And by adding Troy Aikman, we’ve stolen yet another moderately interesting personality from Fox.”

NFL Today plans to showcase the new 10-man team by incorporating additional segments into the Sunday afternoon program.

“We’ve got all kinds of great stuff planned,” said Aikman. “You can tell it’s great because I said it was great. A lot of things are great. In fact, great is just a great adjective.”

Co-host Shannon Sharpe disagreed.

“Great is stupid!” he yelled. “You know what else is stupid? Excessive celebration penalties. Ocho Cinco, I got your back, dawg! You’re stupid-good!”

As always, team moderator James Brown tried to put things in perspective.

“Now, what I’m hearing from you, Troy, is that you think the new segment where we see who can sell more of their own autographed merchandise on air, either Emmitt or Deion, is great,” said Brown.

“But Shannon, you can refute that in the new ‘Kay Jewelers Diamond Decibel Pit’ where co-hosts can settle their differences by yelling at each other in a soundproof pit that’s inexplicably shaped like a Kay Jewelers diamond.”

Other segments include “Let’s Play an Entire Simulated Game in Pin-Striped Suits on our Studio’s Miniature Football Field!” and “Sprint PCS Disagree-A-Thon Brought to You by T-Mobile.”

From the December 2009 issue by George Ellis