Jacque Jones couldn’t throw the ball from center field to the infield. Alfonso Soriano will be 83-years-old when his current contract runs out. Kosuke Fukudome can’t hit himself out of a paper bag. Milton Bradley was insane. If you’ve already failed four times, “Try, try again” is the motto of Cubs GM Jim Hendry when it comes to finding outfielders for his ballclub. Hendry signed his fifth free agent outfielder in as many seasons Thursday, just in time for New Years, inking former Rangers center fielder Marlon Byrd to a three-year, $15 million contract.

“The fifth time has got to be a charm,” said the Cubs GM. “In Marlon Byrd, I’m very confident we’ve found the goose who lays the golden eggs.”

Apparently the rest of MLB thinks the 32-year-old Byrd is only a goose, as no other team was willing to give the .278 career hitter more than a one-year deal. That, however, did not stop Hendry from once again outbidding himself for the services of an extremely mediocre free agent. 

“The guy finished fourth in Rookie of the Year voting in 2003,” added Hendry. “There’s a lot of untapped potential there and that in itself is worth an extra two years and $10 million.”

By Jeremy Barewin