Robbie Gould, the Bears’ most consistent offensive player this year, has announced he is making an adjustment that he believes will go over well with fans and teammates alike.

“In the spirit of the holiday season–and my particularly accurate foot–I’ve decided to change my name to Robbie Mistletoe,” said the Bears’ humble placekicker. “Chad Ocho Cinco may have started the trend. But you have to admit, my name is cooler and much more appropriate.”

In response to Ocho Cinco’s donning a sombrero during a recent game, Robbie has alluded to wearing his Santa cap and entering the field on a reindeer-driven sled this December. Ladies have also been forewarned to watch out for “Mistletoe under the Mistletoe.”

The name change also served a dual purpose by clearing up some long-standing ethnic confusion at Halas Hall.

“Honestly, I got tired of Lovie wishing me Happy Hanukkah every year,” said the kicker formerly known as Gould. “I’ve always appreciated the sentiment, but never had the heart to tell him I wasn’t Jewish.”

From the December 2009 issue by Brian Berns