Chicago City Council renames Lincoln Park Lagoon ‘Junior Lake’
A euphoric Chicago City Council, in a unanimous vote of 50-0, renamed the Lincoln Park Lagoon “Junior Lake” after the Cubs rookie center fielder, who made a spectacular Major League debut with a three-hit game.
ESPN awarded ESPY for ‘Most Awesome, Unbiased Sportscasting’
"I'd just like to say thank you to all of the fans of ESPN out there who keep watching us week in and week out to hear the exact same catchphrases, jokes, and my stupid nicknames!" said Chris Berman.
Alfonso Soriano asks to be traded to the 2007 Chicago Cubs
"In addition to me making a huge amount of money over a very long contract again, I like that the crazy older manager let me start the season in center field and batted me lead-off," Soriano explained. "That was fun getting extra at-bats."
2014 MLB All-Star Game to feature ‘Groundout-To-First-Derby’
League officials were said to be initially skeptical of the new competition, but they were convinced after watching hours of taped "highlights" of recent Cubs, Astros and Mariners games.
Senile old man wanders onto Citi Field, disrupts All-Stars by mumbling ‘Sweet Caroline’
Egged on by the raucous New York crowd, the man flailed his arms and turned around in circles for several minutes on the infield, while those in the stands screamed out unintelligible chants which sounded like "Bah-bah-bah" and "So-good, so-good, so-good."
Cutbacks force Arlington Park to resort to jockey-less horse races
“One of the biggest myths ever perpetrated on the racing public is the notion that a jockey makes a difference," said the official. "Half of these guys just hang on for the ride and collect a pretty good buck to do it."
Several people decide to TiVo the MLB All-Star Game
"Yep, I definitely plan to record the game," said Angels fan Bobby Denton. "Anything could happen. We could even witness history! I totally plan to set the TiVo, unless I forget. Or, you know, if it's already full of Dexter or whatever."
