ESPN

"I'd just like to say thank you to all of the fans of ESPN out there who keep watching us week in and week out to hear the exact same catchphrases, jokes, and my stupid nicknames!" said Chris Berman.

"If Jay Cutler wants to be the franchise quarterback he's paid to be, there's no reason for him to take that hit," said Dilfer. "You're not going to see Aaron Rodgers, Drew Brees or Peyton Manning take a hit like that and Jay shouldn't either."

“Ron Burgundy is on record as being a man who invented the wheel and who loves drinking scotch," said Pollack. "Also, he has bits of real-life panther mixed into his cologne. I can’t think of anyone more qualified to determine if Alabama should get the #1 seed in a college football playoff than that man.”

“I am told by numerous inside sources that this weekend, Peyton Manning will in fact be playing against his former team, the Indianapolis Colts.”

The game on ESPN between two teams in varying degrees of turmoil will be replaced by a commercial-free showing of "Saving Private Ryan."

If you were lucky enough to watch ESPN earlier this week, or ESPN 2, or ESPN3.com, then you witnessed firsthand as action-movie star Hugh Jackman left the sports world speechless.

"It was actually Johnny Manziel's idea. I saw him in the hotel lobby around 3AM with about 4 or 5 women in bikinis," said John Skipper, president of ESPN. "I told him that Drake couldn't host next year and after initial disappointment he suggested ... actually I'm not sure what her real name is."