Thursday, March 28, 2024

Willson Contreras’ bat lands in Harvey three hours after hitting HR

“Here I was, in my backyard enjoying a cold one while arguing with my wife about some stupid shit and this baseball bat comes out of nowhere and lodges in my front yard”

Kris Bryant suspends himself for Saturday night’s ‘potty mouth’

"I can't tell you how ashamed I am," said Bryant, who reportedly never uses foul language. "In an effort to learn from my potty mouth, I have decided to suspend myself for Sunday's game against the White Sox."

Heyward holds team in clubhouse overnight for another postseason rain delay speech

"It's one thing if the delay is only 17 minutes and it's the World Series," said first baseman Anthony Rizzo, "but a 24-hour delay during the Wild Card round is just not the same."

Hot Stove Shocker: Harper, Bryant quit baseball to become next Siegfried & Roy

At a Mirage Hotel press conference, home town heroes Harper and Bryant explained why they will now continue the legacy of iconic Las Vegas illusionists Siegfried & Roy rather than play baseball.

Cubs secretly brace for Arrieta’s Body Issue jinx

A confidential source close to the situation reported the latest. "Although [Cubs general manager Jed] Hoyer said he was fine with Arrieta displaying his work ethic for the world to see, he firmly believes in the Body Issue Jinx."

Cubs name John Madden new manager

“As soon as we heard Madden was available, we grabbed him up,” beamed Cubs President Theo Epstein. “We were shocked to hear that he opted out of his contract with Ace Hardware, but I’m proud of how this baseball organization pulled together and executed so quickly to get him.”

White Sox announce first ever ‘Cell-Ebration’ tonight to ring in 23 years and 5...

Not to be outdone by the 100 year Wrigley Field anniversary party today, the White Sox have announced their first ever “Cell-Ebration,” a huge bash celebrating U.S. Cellular Field’s 23 years and 5 days birthday tonight.