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The high school’s principal said the move was made after Simeon, along with Duke, Kansas, Indiana and Florida, finished with a Top 5 recruiting class.

"Man, what I wouldn't give to be a shortstop," said Giants pitcher Tim Lincecum. "I could still be laying in the cut smoking a big fat blunt right now. But instead, here I am working on my fastball."

"This job was meant for me! Praise be to God!" said an elated Lewis. "I'm not even Catholic ... Hallowed be thy name! But I'm sure that the Cardinals will overlook any sketchy situations I've been in over the course of my life. Hallelujah! God is good! God. God. Jesus. God. God!"

"When I found out I was one of the most disliked athletes in sports, it really hurt," said Cutler. "I mean, I totally care what people think of me ... especially you. One kind status update from you would be like the sun on my heart for a thousand years."

"This is not cool, man! I have no idea what I used to do on those Sundays before last September. It seems like eons ago. Did I do puzzles? Did I spend time with the kids? Do I even have kids?"

“I was unsure whether to accept the rank at first,” said the always-modest Toews. “But we hockey guys never turn down a good nickname. Heck, we rarely turn down a bad one.”

To entice researchers to study the abnormalities in his chronically traumatized skull, Cutler has offered to play the entire 2013-14 season without a helmet, thereby maximizing the likelihood of degenerative brain damage. He has also increased the amount of violent hits to his head by playing without an offensive line since 2010.