Breaking!

“Tony is the future of baseball,” said convention organizer Evan Berman. “Running, sprinting, sliding -- all the tools are there. Our convention will celebrate his ability to be super-focused at the expense of literally everything else.”

Caesar’s Palace Race & Sports Book released its annual odds for betting propositions for the coming baseball season, and few people are surprised that White Sox manager Robin Ventura was installed as the 4-5 favorite to capture the award for “Most Boring Baseball ‘Personality’ of 2013.”

On Thursday, April 4, dozens of Hawks fans (and probably a St. Louis fan or two) are getting together for The Heckler's Hawks-Blues outing game and pre-party at Roots Homemade Pizza. You should too!

“Unfortunately WGN no longer is a superstation and can’t pay us top dollar to broadcast Cubs games,” said Cubs President of Baseball Operations Crane Kenney. “So we’re going to look into partnering with a bunch of stations scattered all over the TV dial, or maybe we’ll create the Cubs Cable Network, make it available in only a few hundred thousand homes and bury it in between Animal Planet 2 and C-SPAN Romania.”

Rose, who is dominating practices with the team and dunking from the half court line, said there is no specific target date for re-activation, and that he will remain on the injured reserve list for the rest of his natural life if need be, until he reaches the 880 percent mark.

"When you reach a milestone like turning 50, you just want to surround yourself with the people you love doing some of your favorite things," said Jordan. "Hanging out at the OTB all day with a bunch of fellow degenerate gamblers just seemed like the right thing to do."

“How am I supposed to act intimidating after eating PB+J with the crusts cut off?” asked Leddy. “From now on it’s meatball subs, and mom, make my Cheetos flamin’. And no more perfectly-cubed fruit, throw the whole cantaloupe in there.”