Reinforcing the trend of gutsy free-agent pickups in the offseason, the Chicago Bears have decided to flood their roster with former criminal offenders on second strike offenses and above, continuing to flush the statement that NFL players should be positive role models.

From drug-peddlers and woman-abusers to common thieves, the Bears plan to stay true to recent form in the upcoming draft. The team’s latest scouting trip included a stop at a Texas penitentiary’s death row, as well as home visits to New York and Los Angeles bloods and crips territories.

To accommodate these new recruits, the Bears envision a franchise with full work-release benefits and plenty of cap space. When asked for comment, owner Virginia McCaskey was unavailable, but family members thought these new additions would be the best thing for the franchise and the city of Chicago.

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