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MLB's security changes will likely negatively impact Wrigley Field the most, where getting into a game is rarely a quick or pleasant experience. As a result, the Cubs are asking fans to prepare appropriately.
“It’s the logical next step to make the ballpark experience more convenient for the fans who eat the most hot dogs at the fastest rate,” said Brad Johnson, the club’s Manager of Concessions and Retail. “To this point vendors have circulated evenly through the stands, yelling ‘hot dog’ repeatedly yet often fruitlessly. Now, through predictive data derived through advanced scouting of fans, our vendors will be shifted to those sections containing the most gluttonous gastric guys and gals."
Ricketts claims he’s not afraid of Trump but prepares ‘Make America Great Again’-hat giveaway at Wrigley
"Those are Trump hats? I had no idea," said Ricketts. "Totally random. How can you argue with they say? We all want to make America great again, right?"
Cubs manager Joe Maddon applauded his team's effort, saying, "I tell you what, I'm proud of these boys, they played hard and didn't let anything faze them. Even when we were heading home, there were three instances of balls just appearing out of nowhere, and these guys didn't even miss a beat. They hit them straight out of the park."
Pepitone’s recently released memoir of his time playing in Chicago in the early 70’s details accounts of bleacher fans throwing him marijuana cigarettes, often called joints, while he was on the field.
“It’s the logical next step, Economics 101,” owner Tom Ricketts declared while addressing reporters outside Wrigley’s Captain Morgan Club. “If our fans, the greatest fans in the world, want a beer with a slice of baseball then, by gosh, we’re going to give them a beer with a slice of baseball. For a nominal fee."