"Our team has a lot of work to do and our ultimate goal is to win the Super Bowl," Fox stated. "Whether that goal is reached this year, it's really hard to say. It's not that I can't say. The words are just really hard to get out of my mouth."
"Concussions. Arrests. Even those HGH rumors. This brutal display of athletics on the game's biggest stage has done more to tarnish our sport than any of those other issues," said commissioner Roger Goodell. "Hell, the fact I'm still running this league should be the most embarrassing part of today's festivities. But now? Nope. Not even close."
"My tractor's a beauty, but it doesn't have any heat," said Schultz. "About 30 minutes into the ride I had to stop at Shopko to pick up a new pair of Oshkosh B'Gosh overalls to help stay warm for the long drive to Phoenix. That's where my family found me and broke the terrible news."
"C'mon, Cat Scratch Fever is awesome and Ted promised he wouldn't bring any loaded guns to the game," said Goodell. "We thought this news would shift the focus away from the Ray Rice and Adrian Peterson situations, and the way we keep dousing them with gasoline. Which reminds me, there will be amazing pyrotechnics during the show. America will love it!"
Though details are currently sketchy, numerous sources are saying that the fire seems to have been set intentionally and maliciously by Peyton Manning, wearing a fake mustache in an unsuccessful attempt to hide his identity.
"Maybe Netflix will release all the Super Bowls at once, including this year's," said avid House of Cards fan and casual sports watcher Mike Benson. "That would be great. I could binge them all in two days."