It started with the Patriots secretly videotaping their opponents during practice. Then it was the Giants using walkie-talkies on the sideline. Now comes word that Chicago Bears owner Virginia McCaskey will be disciplined by the NFL for using homing pigeons.
"It's really easy," said Urlacher. "You just take thousands of blades of grass from healthier areas of the field and insert them one-by-one in the bare areas."
“As my butler was conducting my annual spring cleaning, we noticed three Jumbotrons collecting dust in my basement,” McCaskey stated. “I decided to save one for my grandchildren’s video games and have the other two hooked up in the stadium. It sure beats those old rust buckets we had in there before.”
The Grateful Dead today announced three shows at Soldier Field this summer as a farewell run and commemoration of the band's 50th anniversary. The news came as a shock to Bears fans who associated anything "dead" at Soldier Field with the Chicago Bears.
"I was thinking, 'Here we go again. Another political ad.' However, when I saw Governor Quinn cutting his lawn, I got up off my couch," said Nolan. "I knew. It was the way he was using that old fashioned lawn mower. Did you see the richness of his lawn? No misplaced or torn sod, not even any brown grass. There were no puddles, no mud. I don't know how he does it."
Fearful of any possible backlash of boorish booing from the local cheeseheads, Favre's special night will be held where he had so many special nights, Soldier Field.
"In hindsight, yes, we should not have hired Mike and the guys from Chicago to maintain our field," said a FIFA official. "But you know how these things work. Someone's nephew needed a handout, some palms were greased and, of course, this is Chicago and FIFA we're talking about."