“You see, when teams are struggling for a long time, they tend to get a little desperate,” said Chicago police officer Bob Jones. “Lose for over a century, and then something like this happens.”
The sample was compared to a blood test conducted during his time with the Cubs and they realized that leaving the Cubs actually improved Soriano's DNA to the point that he became an effective baseball player again.
Editor’s note: In honor of Alfonso Soriano’s trade to the Yankees, here’s one of our favorite archived articles about the slugger. Alfonso Soriano is one of the most aggressive hitters in baseball. During the 2007 regular season, the Cubs’ atypical leadoff man hit 33 home runs while posting four times as many strikeouts as walks. […]
"Without question, the Cubs chances at a World Series victory by 2095 have now improved ever so slightly," said ESPN baseball analyst Jayson Stark.
"In addition to me making a huge amount of money over a very long contract again, I like that the crazy older manager let me start the season in center field and batted me lead-off," Soriano explained. "That was fun getting extra at-bats."
“Wow. This is much bigger than the Little League opening day parade we’d have every year back in Little Rock,” Arkansas native Travis Wood said. “However, I am a bit surprised. There aren’t any clown cars here and I haven’t seen Jim Belushi yet.”
The Cubs surprised the sports world today, signing 35-year-old DH Travis Hafner to a 10-year, $125 million contract. The oft-injured former Cleveland Indian hasn't played more than 150 games in a season since 2007, but team president Theo Epstein said he finally couldn't resist the urge to frivolously spend his club's money on an aging veteran who does nothing to improve the team.