Doctors from the University of Texas Southwestern Medical Center have completed a breakthrough study financed by Dallas Cowboys owner Jerry Jones that should keep elderly nursing home patients who are sports fans alive indefinitely.

“We simply don’t tell them the Dallas Cowboys football season is over,” Dr. Maurice Feingold said during a press conference to present their research. “We restrict their access to ESPN and Fox News programming and that keeps elderly sports fans from becoming frightened, and thereby extending their lives.”

The test center, a south Dallas nursing home, hasn’t had any sports fans die this year. During the same period in 2009, 12 elderly sports fans died after the Cowboys were eliminated from the playoffs.

Feingold presented an example of how his sports censorship works. He told an elderly Dallas sports fan, “The Mavericks won by 50 on Sunday, beating the New York Knicks 128-78, and the Texas Rangers were sold to an ownership group that included Chuck Greenburg and Hall-of-Famer Nolan Ryan.”

When asked what Feingold had said, the elderly sports fan replied, “I had my hearing aid tuned to the Dallas Cowboys news, so I have no idea what he said.”

Feingold said newspapers were okay, “because they use reading glasses, and are usually tired of reading by the time they finish the obituaries.”

By Todd Hutchinson