“I dressed up as a witch for Halloween once, so that should make me able to cast spells,” Hannah Storm said. “We have a fire going right in the middle of the cafeteria and we’ve thrown items in the fire, including one of LeBron’s high school jerseys and also a piece of hair from Tim Tebow. Anything associated with Tim Tebow makes anybody a winner. I’m also chanting “LeBron is the greatest! LeBron is the greatest!”" When asked to comment about the chant, Michael Jordan said “LeBron who?”

Not to outdone, First Take’s Skip Bayless, the person who broke the record for most idiotic comments in television history, said “LeBron will score 101 points in Games 6 and 7. Mark my words. Anything I say comes true. By the way, I’m the one that got the piece of Tim Tebow’s hair. Don’t ask me how I did it.”

“We can?” said goalless captain Jonathan Toews. “I’m always counting one less Bruin and wondering where the 5th guy is and he’s in the penalty box. My bad.”

Toews’ teammate Patrick Kane was also surprised by the news.

“I just wanted to skate around with the puck and do different spin-o-ramas until the two minutes were up,” he said. “But maybe now I should try to throw it at the net or something.”

Goalie Corey Crawford had a different point of view.

“They finally figured that out now?” he asked. “You mean all the short-handed breakaways for Boston will end? I sure as [expletive deleted] hope so. Maybe our ‘superstars’ will score a goal.”

“For years we have heard how Cub players fade down the stretch because of all the day games at Wrigley, so we’re making the heat less of an issue by having the players wear less clothing,” Cubs President Theo Epstein said. “The tank tops will be made of a very breathable mesh.”

Cubs Chairman Tom Ricketts fully supported the idea.

“I’m almost positive we’ll draw more females to the games because of all the biceps being revealed on the field,” said Ricketts. “We’ll also be raking in merchandise money from all the fans who want to stay current by purchasing the new uniforms.”

Every Cubs player declined to comment about the uniform alteration, although manager Dale Sveum noted, “At least the tank tops are better than the shorts the White Sox wore for a little bit back in the ’70s.”

Photoshop by Joel Nielsen

In a statement issued by the team, Kraft said, “Mr. Putin recently tweeted about how happy he is that Tebow is now a member of the Patriots. So I asked Tim if he wouldn’t mind signing for the President so I can get my ring back.”

The controversy prompted Paul Konerko of the Chicago White Sox to reveal he was forced to provide Putin with autographs of Cliff Polite and Timo Perez so he could get back the baseball that was in play during the last out of the 2005 World Series. Konerko later presented the ball to owner Jerry Reinsdorf at a celebration of the White Sox Series win.

In a related matter, a report by a Moscow newspaper said Putin is considering returning the missing puck with which the final goal was scored in Game 6 of the 2010 Stanley Cup Final won by the Chicago Blackhawks.

A source said the Hawks will send Putin phone numbers of three former girlfriends of Patrick Kane in exchange for the coveted biscuit.

“The only two starting pitchers who figure in our future plans are Wheeler and Harvey,” Mets manager Terry Collins said. Collins implied the Mets history of endangering their prized pitching prospects is a factor in his revised decision.

“I want Harvey and Wheeler to gain major league experience without being injured while we remain noncompetitive,” Collins said. “Their respective starts will be on this upcoming Tuesday and Wednesday and again in late September.”

Collins has led the Mets on the field for the past few seasons, all of them bad. The other 88 Mets starting pitchers for the rest of the year will consist of position players, bat boys, Mets minor leaguers, and Ron Darling and Sid Fernandez on Fan Appreciation weekend.

By Rob Christianse

The week started with the Humongous Maroon collection of Gears & Widgets extending their winning streak at Wrigley Field to about 300 games (Reds manager Dusty Baker is now responsible for as many Cub losses at Wrigley as a Reds manager as he is on the hook for when he managed the Cubs).

Mercifully, Julio Borbon knocked a game-winner in the 14th inning Thursday to salvage one win in the series. Derrick Rose participated in pregame warm-ups and took batting practice but Dale Sveum did not play him in any games. Rose was unavailable for comment.

After escaping with their heads intact vs. Cincy, the boys headed to New York to take on the Mets. Edwin Jackson won the first game of the series (his second straight “W”) and lowered his ERA to a microscopic 5.40, followed by a typically dominant “Feldmania” performance in the Saturday tilt (a win and two-run single). The Cubs completed the sweep with a 3-0 win Sunday as Carlos Marmol pitched a scoreless ninth to earn the save.*

*Just kidding. Those that watched the horror unfold know Marmol served up two Met homers in the ninth to blow the game 4-3. Let’s try and pretend this didn’t happen.

According to Stats, Inc., Cub pitchers set a major league record by driving in 19 runs in May (and with Feldman’s two RBI performance vs. the Mets, we can assume they’ll break that record in June). Cub pitchers are now more of an offensive threat than Cub hitters, the Blackhawks power play and the Chicago Fire offense.

MVP: Nate Schierholtz – He continued his hot hitting with two long balls this week and remained one of about three guys in the Cub line-up that caused any opposing pitcher to worry (Cody Ransom & Ryan Sweeney being the others).

LVP: Right Field wall at Citi Field – Knocked out Mr. Excitement David DeJesus with a bone-crunching hit. DeJesus was placed on the D.L. but vowed revenge on the wall.

Ask the Magic 8-Ball: Is batting Darwin Barney leadoff the solution or is the problem a roster largely filled with incompetence?
Magic 8-Ball says: “Concentrate and ask again”

“Look, Corey has played admirably, but if it wasn’t for the goalpost, we would be down two games to none,” said Quenneville. “So I think it deserves a chance, don’t you?”

Crawford says he understands the decision and will do whatever it takes for the team to succeed.

“It’s a team game, we have to remember that,” he said. “And if my pal, left goalpost, can pull it out, then I’m all for it.”

Owner Rocky Wirtz said it is a move that brings back memories of his father.

“Wow, my dad would really appreciate this. I mean, how much do you have to pay a goalpost? It would have elated him. It’s a nice Father’s Day surprise for me.”

“If we drop the puck at 8 a.m., there’s a pretty good chance the game will be decided about 12 hours later.,” said an NHL spokesperson. “We don’t know if NBC Sports technically counts as part of prime time, but if it does, this could work out nicely.”

Hockey fans expressed their gratitude after hearing of the schedule adjustment.

“I was still drunk four hours after I got to work on Thursday,” said Hawks fan Tom Benson, referring to the day after the three-overtime Game 1 that lasted well into the wee hours of the morning. “Plus now I can check out the first period before work on Monday, then see the game-winning goal when I get home.”

While it will be hard for some players to grasp the playbook, it’s likely to be more difficult for fans, who will contend with the team’s fourth different offense in five years.

“I guess this means I need to use my entire two weeks’ vacation to go to Bourbonnais this summer to see what’s what,” Johnny Blatz, a pipefitter from Cicero said in a fans’ focus group sponsored by a local tavern.

“Two years ago I took five days’ of sick time off from work chasing Mike Martz’ sorry ass around the football field.”

A Bears fan for more than 35 years, Al Slupski of suburban Bolingbrook told the group, “All I know is that if I’m going to quit my job to spend a 40-hour work week breaking down tape, it damn well better be worth it.”

“It took me until after Christmas last year to finally get a clue about Tice’s system and now they go and change it again,” said Bridgeport resident Shane O’Malley.

“In fact, I watched the friggin’ second Green Bay game 26 times before figuring out that Tyler Clutz wasn’t with the team any longer.”

“We’ve heard your cries and we are happy to announce a whole new era in Washington football,” said Snyder. “It’s a new name that honors our rich history and tradition here and will cost very little in re-branding and marketing. From this day forth we are the ‘Washington, D.C. Redskins!’ The D.C. is for District of Columbia!”

Snyder hopes the new moniker will satisfy longtime critics of the franchise.

“We admit it — the last name was just ‘not right’ as so many people have claimed,” said Snyder. “Is the team from Seattle or something? Washington simply wasn’t clear enough.”