Last season Niese complained to Beltran that he had problems breathing out of his nose. Ever the great teammate, Carlos offered to lay out the cash for Niese to get nasal reconstruction.

“I was just looking out for the kid,” Beltran said. “But then he had to go and ruin it by bringing my mole into the equation. That’s when I pulled the offer, and honestly? It’s why I left the Mets.”

Niese didn’t realize Carlos’s mole was a hot button issue. He thought he was just being courteous.

“People have been calling me ‘Gonzo’ my entire life, so I really appreciated what Tranny did,” the regretful lefty admitted. “I heard people calling him ‘Milk Dud,’ ‘Chef Boyardee meatball ear,’ and saying things like ‘Holy Moley,’ last season … I just kinda thought he’d want to have that thing singed off.”

Niese went on to say the money wasn’t a problem, and he still went through with the surgery, but he’d still like to make it up to his former pal.

“I sent him a gift basket with some New York food, and some decorative bandages to cover the mole up,” Niese added. “I just hope he doesn’t hold a grudge … and if he does? I’ve been working on my curveball; I’ll just ’2006 Wainwright’ him the next time we play St. Louis.”

Should the move to second not pan out, Leyland said Inge was open to any spot on the 2012 squad, even if it meant the fan favorite would be inserted into the role of beloved Tigers mascot Paws.

“Paws is valuable asset to this club and I think Brandon’s defensive instincts could bring a lot to the character,” said Leyland. A reporter jokingly asked if Inge could out-hit Paws and a stone-faced Leyland replied: “I’ve seen the current Paws at a charity T-ball game and the guy has a quick bat, Brandon would have to be the Ozzie Smith of anthropomorphic mascots to warrant a permanent change at the position.”

“We think Ryan is one of the funniest pitchers in the big leagues,” said Epstein with a chuckle. “However, we want to be sure that if he loses his Harry Caray impersonation, or should he stop being funny in general, we have a serviceable backup. Despite this, Dempster’s face alone is kind of funny-looking, so we’re banking on him giving us another banner year.”

When asked why the team chose Gallagher and Cook as possible backups, Epstein emphasized the need to be frugal while looking toward the future.

“I know Gallagher’s seen better days,” said Epstein. “But the guy can still smash a watermelon with the best of ‘em.” Regarding the once-adored Cook, Epstein said, “We think Dane may have one good year left in him. If we sign him and it doesn’t work out, we may be out a small amount of cash, and have to hear nonsense jokes for a summer. But we’re willing to take that chance.”

Epstein apparently has his eye on younger comedic talent. “I’ve been touring a lot of venues from New York comedy clubs to Second City in Chicago. My goal is to sign the next Chris Rock to a long-term deal with club control.”

When asked of his concerns about actual baseball talent, Epstein stated, “It could be a long couple of years. We’re going to need to be able to laugh every now and then.”

“This is tremendous. I dare you to pick against us now,” Bobby boasted. “When you can add a Carpenter to a rotation that already has Beckett, Lester, Buchholz, and Dice-K, you’re talking about the top rotation in the sport.”

Red Sox GM Ben Cherington pulled Bobby aside and explained the mistake, but Valentine continued to talk up the new hurler in camp.

“I didn’t even know Carp was traded to the Cubs,” he continued. “And as far as him being 26, hell Japan has had time machines for 15 years now, it’s certainly possible.”

Valentine proceeded to get into a verbal spat with John Lackey, calling him “Old News,” and “the most overpaid Roogy in the world.” The two had to be separated by David Ortiz.

As for the lesser known Chris Carpenter, he was just happy to leave the Cubs organization.

“I couldn’t believe how thrilled Bobby V was to see me,” the pitcher said. “I mean, I don’t even know who I am.”

“Big Shaq is, was, and always will be the most dominant ever at blowing potential three-point plays,” said O’Neal. “Along comes little boy Blake, who wants to take over LA, dunking on people’s heads, drawing fouls and then clanking free throws. Guess what: That role’s already been cast, and it’s Big Shaq on the movie poster.”

Over the course of a 19-year NBA career, O’Neal made just 52.7 percent  of his free throws. Now 28 games into the 2011-12 campaign, Griffin is shooting 52.8 percent from the charity stripe.

“Hack-a-Shaq is part of the NBA vernacular for a reason,” said O’Neal. “My ninth year in the league I took almost 1,000 free throws. Missed 473 of them. Hell, I went 0-11 one night. Rake-a-Blake? Miff’n-a-Griffin? Shaq ain’t it hearing it.”

Griffin however has taken a defiant tone in the face of the legendary big man.

“Just this month I put up a 1-7 and a 2-9,” reminded Griffin. “Not quite 0-11, I know, but it’s only my second year. Teams are starting to realize after I take a couple of hard fouls I get mad, and then I play like shit. This rodeo ain’t leaving town any time soon. The Big Retired is just gonna have to get used to it.”

“I thought I was onto something,” said Sullivan. “So much so that I trademarked the term and ordered 50,000 T-shirts with the headline ‘STARLINSANITY’ underneath Castro’s smiling mug. I figured they’d sell like hotcakes, but now I’m worried they won’t even sell like cold cakes.”

“Baseball is better … with enormous, back-loaded contracts.”

“Baseball is better … without the pressure of a pesky pennant race.”

“Baseball is better … with urine flowing gently down a trough.”

“Baseball is better  … with an awkward 7^th inning conversation with a D-list celebrity.”

“Baseball is better … with a third baseman who hit .156 last year.”

“Baseball is better  … when your $75 seat is right behind a pole.”

“Baseball is better  … when you’re at Murphy’s by the 6^th inning.”

Cubs VP of Sales & Marketing Wally Hayward confirmed that he’s having second thoughts about The Brooklyn Brothers.

“They actually pitched a ‘Basebtall is Better … when your shortstop’s not being detained’-angle,” Hayward said. “Good Lord, was that in poor taste.”

Hayward then poured himself a tall glass of scotch and refused further comment.

“Well, I know it’s a national holiday and all, but I figured I might as well grace Halas Hall with my presence,” said Phillips. “I hadn’t been in since we hired that guy from the Chiefs to be the new GM, so today seemed like a great time to come on in and check my mail and whatever else this team pays me to do.”

Phillips said he was disappointed to learn the team’s regular operations were suspended for the holiday.

“At first I was upset to see no one else walking around the office,” said Phillips, “but then I remembered I was the one who made that day a holiday in the first place and it’s not like I could hold myself accountable for a decision, could I?”

Although nearly all of the invitees were unknown, Hoyer seemed pleased with the turnout.

“I wasn’t going to be short-handed this year,” Hoyer said. “I had flyers up in pizza places, college bars and fantasy baseball camps across the country. You know somewhere out there could be the next Trevor Hoffman, including Trevor Hoffman, who also showed up.”

Of the invitees, approximately 2,000 were starting pitcher candidates. Another 1,500 bodies were tagged as relief pitchers. The remaining 500 consisted of potential catchers—each one perfectly capable of throwing the ball all the way back to the mound.

“Statistically, we have to find one or two guys in this bunch,” Hoyer stated. “I mean, it’s mathematically impossible for us not to find at least one guy who can throw, right?”

“I wasn’t too worried,” Scott said. “The first match I saw had one guy freeze his opponent and then shatter his frozen corpse. But it’s not like [Zack] Stortini never tried that one on me before. So when my first-round opponent shot a grappling claw at me I just sidestepped it and pummeled him for 15 seconds until he quit. Then I dug into his chest cavity and plucked out his still-beating heart.”

Added Scott: “I probably didn’t have to then take a bite out of the heart, but I wanted the other competitors to know I meant business.”

Scott won the grueling two-day tournament after besting a guy with six arms that shot lightning bolts from his eyes. Many league commentators were surprised the Blackhawks let him compete in the fight-to-the-death tournament.

“Of course I didn’t want him to go,” coach Joel Quenneville said. “You never know when someone is finally going to get a good shot on him, but would you tell him no. My head still hurts from the time I told him he couldn’t wear his Zubaz pants on the team flight.”

Scott hopes to capitalize on the new-found fame through video games and movie opportunities.

“I’m hoping to be the next Bond villain, talk Stallone into a Rocky IV remake and possibly have my likeness as the final character in a real-life version of Mike Tyson’s Punch-Out.”