Suggesting that Wrigley Field should be destroyed in a recent column, the Wall Street Journal has been eyeing the plot of land the stadium rests upon. The newspaper, mostly appealing to stock brokers and boat shoe wearing poodle owners, outlined several reasons why the venerable ballpark should be destroyed in an almost 2,000-word article published on May 14th. Many of the reasons included the financial salivation the Journal possessed for 1060 W. Addison and the possible commercial properties it could construct there.

In lieu of Wrigley Field, what some consider the most beautiful baseball structure erected in the history of the game, the Wall Street Journal article suggested putting in yacht storage, a cufflinks factory, fur coat warehousing or a Tommy Bahama megastore.

The rest of the article was filled with stock futures and real estate forecasting that, much like the rest of the publication, put its readers to sleep.

No word yet on whether the Journal put in a bid for Wrigley Field ownership, but it has invested in yet another Italian loafer manufacturer in the meantime.

by Andy Landgrebe

Because attendance at Marlins games has been so low in recent years, GM Michael Hill was hoping to add some excitement to the team with the acquisitions of Ozzie Guillen and Carlos Zambrano. So far, Ozzie has held up his end of the bargain by causing an outrage over his stated affection for a brutal communist dictator, but Zambrano has been quite a letdown.

“If the Marlins wanted fireworks when they signed Zambrano, a dud is what they got,” said Dan LeBatard, the “Jay Mariotti” of Miami. “He just walks around saying ‘serenity now’ anytime something bothers him. He’s stayed calm so far, but hopefully there’s a storm brewing.”

Team officials were planning — and hoping — for the worst. They’ve done everything they can to provoke him. Pictures of Michael Barrett have been plastered all over the clubhouse on days which Zambrano is scheduled to pitch. Clubhouse attendants have been bribed to give him wet willies while he’s getting dressed before games. The team even bought him jock straps that are three sizes too small, just to make him irritable.

Unfortunately, it’s all been for naught. Zambrano has behaved better than Tim Tebow in a church. Now the team will be forced to dispose of the Zambrano-themed cuckoo clocks they were planning to sell in the gift shop, costing the team millions.

“We predicted it would have been a hot item and had tons of those things made up,” said Ken Matheson, a marketing rep for the Marlins who has one of the clocks hanging in his office. “We wanted to give them away to children’s’ charities throughout Florida, but people complained that the enraged look on his face that popped out when the clock struck 12 was scaring the children.”

Having not been relevant since 1993, and still subscribing to the notion that people actually care what the mouthpiece of a corrupt corporate parent company prints, The Wall Street Journal must at long last contemplate the only thing that can restore the venerable news institution to its former glory: destroying its headquarters.

There are likely an infinite number of reasons The Wall Street Journal is irrelevant today, but here are just a few:

1. They publish columns about Why Wrigley Field Must Be Destroyed. Nothing exudes journalistic integrity more than a hard-hitting piece that claims a baseball stadium is “schizo” and “too damn nice.”

2. Their editorial model is older than, well, Wrigley Field.

3. Ever since the flyswatter was invented, people haven’t really had much use for physical newspapers.

4. Compounding matters, their website only gets 1/10th the traffic of your mom’s horticulture blog.

5. When asked which news organization they would rather work for — The Wall Street Journal or the New York Times — most journalists opted for the one that isn’t run by the guy responsible for the largest scandal in newspaper history.

6. We heard they put ketchup on their hot dogs.

Adam “Big Donkey” Dunn leads the White Sox with 11 home runs, which equals his total from last season. He recently admitted he took a desperate gamble to improve his game from the nightmare of 2011. He didn’t use HGH, steroids or a laxative but instead he devoured over 300 batteries hurled at him last season by angry South Siders.

“Last year was so bad, I couldn’t hit my way out of a wet paper bag,” said Dunn, weeping. “I thought of using all the drugs available but decided it’s not worth it to take the chance of getting caught and labeled a cheater. Nothing worked, extra BP, yoga, yogurt, nothing, I was desperate coming into this year to live up to my contract. Then I remembered all those batteries I collected that fans threw at me that I was going to use for my Walkman and thought perhaps they might power me like they power my good ole Sony.”

Dunn confirmed with MLB that battery acid was not at this point a banned substance and then gulped down two to three batteries a day during the off-season (suffering only minor stomach discomfort and dry mouth). When the season began and balls started flying off his bat again it was obvious the gamble paid off, with Dunn’s mates now re-nicknaming him “Big Duracell.”

Just a few days after undergoing successful surgery to repair his torn ACL, Bulls superstar Derrick Rose showed up at the United Center Monday morning, unaware the team was eliminated from the playoffs last week but completely healed and ready to take on their next opponent.

“Hey guys, what did I miss?” Rose asked a sparse crowd of off-season United Center security staffers while vigorously jogging in place and occasionally breaking into jumping jacks. “Where is everyone? I can’t believe no one else is here before our big game against Boston tonight.”

Doctors said they were astonished at Rose’s ability to heal from the injury in about 48 hours, but said the procedure somehow wiped from him the memory of watching the Bulls flounder after his late-game injury against the 76ers April 28.

“Mr. Rose is a very unique physical specimen and we’re encouraged by his miraculous recovery,” said Dr. James Stanton of Northwestern Memorial Hospital. “We are concerned however that reminding him that the Bulls went down in flames after his injury could force his recovery from the knee injury into a regression, so we’re probably just going to let him keep going with the delusion that he needs to prepare for a series against Rajon Rondo and the Celtics.”

Jealous Patrick Kane’s reckless party animal persona, Jonathan Toews decided to let his hair down this Mother’s Day weekend in Branson, Mo., the town Bart Simpson once described as “Like Las Vegas if Ned Flanders ran it.”

“I was with my mom for the holiday and Andrew Shaw because he’s underage and can’t get into clubs anywhere else,” said Captain Serious. “The three of us planned to take in ‘The Amazing Waltzing Waters’ and shoot over to the ‘Cat’s Pajamas’ for dinner Saturday night, but our whole night got screwed up when we decided to take in an encore of the Yakov Smirnoff show because it was such a hoot.”

Toews said the night got completely out of hand from there.

“Andrew and I totally overdid it on the Shirley Temples,” said Toews. “My mom was freaking out because she hasn’t had two kids hopped up on sugar on her hands since I was still living at home a few years ago so she had no idea how to handle us. Somehow we managed to get back to our hotel in time for the sugar to wear off and we passed out for like 15 hours. It was pure insanity.”

This weekend the Cubs placed perpetual headache Carlos Marmol on the rarely used 650-day DL due to a right hamstring injury, meaning the team will not have to deal with the league’s most inconsistent high-profile reliever in recent memory until his contract expires at the end of next season.

Many fans view this as the greatest move in new Cubs President Theo Epstein’s young tenure with the team, because the team will now theoretically suffer through far fewer four BB and /or HBP innings at the end of many games.

“Telling Carlos that he has a rare injury that cannot heal till 2014 was easy,” said Epstein, “but giving Cubs fans a reason to actually believe the ninth inning is safe, that might be tougher.”

With a long offseason ahead of him, Patrick Kane decided to put his time and extraordinary hockey skills to good use for the good of mankind. Kane sought a position in the ‘Avengers Initiative,’ an ensemble of superheroes put together by S.H.I.E.L.D. to protect mankind from perilous threats to its existence. Kane reasoned his killer slapshot and superior boozing abilities would earn him a spot on the Avengers. His application: denied. Reason: Kane is a boorish d-bag.

“Patrick Kane is not of sound moral fiber,” said Captain America. “In fact, he is kind of a douche. We can’t have our superheroes uttering anti-Semitic remarks and choking 18-year-old girls at college parties.”

Thor echoed Cap’s reasoning.

“Kane makes Tony Stark look like the freaking Pope,” said the Asgardian God.

Kane was disappointed after being denied entry and was spotted sulking away from the team with his head down and hands in pockets.

“It just isn’t fair,” Kane said. “I would be whipping 100 MPH slapshots at aliens like nobody’s business. Come on, they let one chick in because she can do back flips, and another guy is an Avenger because he shoots a bow and arrow. Seriously, a bow and arrow? I challenge any of them to a drinking contest right here, right now, bro…”

Kane then trailed off to go pick a fight with some Rangers’ fans, because “those dudes were totally scamming on my tail, man,” Kane said.

Jamie Moyer’s 27-year MLB career reached a high note Friday when Commissioner Bud Selig announced the 49-year-old Rockies pitcher had been great-grandfathered into the baseball’s Hall of Fame.

“An ageless wonder, Jamie Moyer’s outstanding performance through the years and pending AARP membership leave him so qualified for the Hall of Fame that we’ve decided to great-grandfather him in,” said Selig, squinting to read his notes through bifocals borrowed from Moyer. “I remember when he and I were classmates back in grammar school. Who’d have thought we’d both wind up here today?”

Moyer said he hoped the award would bring him some much-needed clout in the locker room, which he described as overrun with “hooligans.”

“You’ve got that whippersnapper Helton, thinking he knows everything even though he’s only 38,” said Moyer. “And then Tulowitzki. What the hell kind of name is that … Polish? Aw, what do I care? To hell with all of them.”

A day after he got shelled by the Indians and booed at home, Josh Beckett went on the offensive, saying he was still displeased about the conditions he’s forced to pitch in and has demanded a post-game meal of fried chicken and Olde English. Not given what he wanted, Beckett took it out on the media.

“You guys are a bunch of idiots and just don’t get it,” said Beckett, who took fire from the fans and media this week when news broke that he recently golfed 18 holes one day after missing a start due to injury. “Sure we get paid millions to play a child’s game, but we only have 18 off days a year.  Let that soak in for a minute.”

Providence Journal reporter James Donaldson noted the morale of the Red Sox has gone down hill since players have not been able to get what he called “dead drunk” in the clubhouse as in the past.

“It’s gotten real bad,” said Donaldson. “One game you could hear Beckett go crazy in the clubhouse, swinging a golf club in fury after Bobby [Valentine] would not let him out the left field back entrance to have a quick nip at the old Cask n Flagoon in the fourth inning.”