“You’ve got to be kidding me,” Coach Mike Babcock said of his team that meandered between the 9th and 10th spots in the conference before making the NHL tourney. “We backed into the playoffs and then got lucky enough to beat a hockey club that cares even less than we do.”
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With 21 straight appearances, the Red Wings have made the playoffs every season since 1990, the longest postseason streak in North American sports. Some people associated with the team would rather catch up on sleep than battle through another long playoff run.
Detroit Pistons owner Tom Gores announced that he has pawned the team to American Jewelry & Loan, the Detroit pawn shop owned by Les Gold.
When Suh and the washed-up funnyman Louie Anderson finally beached themselves poolside they were greeted with a chorus of jeers and boos that wouldn’t be out of place at Soldier Field. “Let him drown!” shouted one observer. “Louie hasn’t done anything worthwhile since ‘Coming to America’!”
“We’ve petitioned the state government to receive historical status for the Silverdome,” said a spokesman. “As the home of the Lions for nearly 30 years, it’s been the site of some of sport’s ugliest drunken fan brawls ever. Also a few awesome Barry Sanders runs!”
Fans were aghast when it was announced that batting practice would cost an additional $5 for spring training games. However, the Tigers were not done innovating the baseball experience.
Even more shocking than Brown’s admission is the number of veteran Lions offensive linemen who have come out in his support, suggesting that for the past 55 years they too have been allowing defenses to run roughshod all over the Lions.
Nothing but a World Series championship will do for Tigers owner Mike Ilitch as he approaches the twilight of his storied career.
“It’s kinda weird to think we haven’t won at Lambeau in my lifetime,” said Benson, who was born in 1991. “Then again, we’re pretty terrible. Maybe by the time I retire they’ll have broken the streak … but I doubt it.”
After a blown call and obscure NFL rule gave the Houston Texans a free touchdown on Thursday, Detroit Lions head coach Jim Schwartz has taken out a bounty on all NFL officials.
“Any meat covered in sprinkles doesn’t count,” he said. “Everybody knows that. Seriously, I have some sprinkle-coated bacon in my fridge right now.”
