Saddened by his team’s flat performance in Saturday’s 4-1 playoff loss to the Red Wings, Patrick Kane claimed to be “super depressed” and predicted he’d probably only take home three or four girls from the bar later this evening.
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“Normally amnesty means granting freedom to a large group of individuals, but in the case of the NBA, it’s what happens to an really, really overpaid player like me. You see, the team tells me ‘bye bye,’ but I still get paid. Crazy, right?”
“It feels good, man. You can’t rush these things, but now I’m finally back to where I can jump, cut, and move the way I know I can. I’m ready to help this team beat the Heat!” a confident Rose said.
“Rose’s gambling had just gone out of control. He’s a hyper-competitive guy, and that manifested itself with all-night poker games and off-days spent in casinos, but it really crossed a line when he started betting on games.”
“Is this Lady Byng chick hot?” asked Kane. “I didn’t already hook up with her or something, did I?”
Play along as the Blackhawks take on the rival Red Wings in what NBC Sports will probably bill as the biggest grudge match since ever!
“You’ve got to be kidding me,” Coach Mike Babcock said of his team that meandered between the 9th and 10th spots in the conference before making the NHL tourney. “We backed into the playoffs and then got lucky enough to beat a hockey club that cares even less than we do.”
“Ever since I played for Italy in the World Baseball Classic and got rides to and from games and practices on the back of my teammates’ Vespas, I have been looking forward to the day where I could purchase my own,” said Rizzo. “Thanks to the new contract, today is that wonderful day.”
“I tried leaning south, but I’ve completely lost the range of motion,” Urlacher lamented, referring to his balky knees. “If someone could just pick me up and spin me, I’d be able to lean toward Denver or maybe even a team on the East Coast.”
The key to the team’s success is obviously derived from starting pitchers able to scientifically harness beard power and apply toward ERA/WHIP and velocity.
“Man, it had gotten so bad that Dale [Sveum] was having all my teammates call me Edlose until I won my first game,” said Edwin/Ed/Edlose.
