“I feel I still have the ability to compete in the league,” said Urlacher. “But at the end of the day I wouldn’t be able to perform at the level I expect of myself. I’d just be too distracted by the urge to put on a tight-fitting white t-shirt, a single hoop earring, and cross my arms as I extoll the unmatched cleaning power of Mr. Clean products with Febreze freshness.”
“I love Shawzer and the intensity he brings to the game, but god damn it he’s got to turn it down a notch every once in a while,” said Quenneville. “The way he’s playing he’s never going to get a call, and we need a few breaks to go our way right now.”
Droves of bandwagon Blackhawks fans have been eliminated from the playoffs after Monday night’s 3-1 defeat in Detroit, putting Chicago down 2-1 in the best-of-seven series. “God damn Crawford! Get your head out of your ass,” wrote one fan on Facebook who has a Blackhawks logo for his profile pic. “This series is officially over. See [...]
When league officials informed him he would not be allowed to make “jungle juice” or “flaming Dr. Peppers” in the cup, Kane asked, “So do we have to stick with champagne and beer? I mean, Four Loko is okay, right?”
Saddened by his team’s flat performance in Saturday’s 4-1 playoff loss to the Red Wings, Patrick Kane claimed to be “super depressed” and predicted he’d probably only take home three or four girls from the bar later this evening.
“Normally amnesty means granting freedom to a large group of individuals, but in the case of the NBA, it’s what happens to an really, really overpaid player like me. You see, the team tells me ‘bye bye,’ but I still get paid. Crazy, right?”
“Rose’s gambling had just gone out of control. He’s a hyper-competitive guy, and that manifested itself with all-night poker games and off-days spent in casinos, but it really crossed a line when he started betting on games.”
“Is this Lady Byng chick hot?” asked Kane. “I didn’t already hook up with her or something, did I?”