White Sox News
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Cubs and Sox mathematically eliminated from playoffs on same day
“I knew the Cubs were going to suck like usual, but I thought for sure Paulie and the boys would win it all just like in 2005, man!” said Beverly native Alex Markowski. “I already started gathering tires for the fire and everything!”
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Hawk Harrelson shocked to hear National League exists
MLB Network took time this week to pry Hawk Harrelson away from his usual non-baseball afternoon activities of yelling at children who walk on his lawn to argue the validity of Sabermetrics.
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Adam Dunn determined to get a hit this week
In an interview published on the club’s website, a determined Dunn said, “I swear on the grave of Moose Skowron that I will get at least one hit this week.”
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Dozens of Sox fans gather around Chicago sinkhole after confusing it for US Cellular Field
“Aw hell no, I didn’t even know the Sox were playin’ tonight,” said one fan who only went by the name Billy Bob. “The Cell looks a little different than I remember, but it’s been a few years since I’ve been here so who knows.”
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Tensions between Harrelson and Stone boil over into ‘slap fight’
“Stone Pony packs a pretty good punch, but the best overhand right I’ve ever been hit with was Yaz,” said Harrelson.
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White Sox advertising campaign reminds fans their season has actually started
“Hellooooo. Anybody home?” is the theme of radio and television advertising used to remind Sox fans that the team has been playing since April 1.
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White Sox overhaul Fundamentals Deck to be more trailer park friendly
For the less fortunate Sox fan, commonly known as every Sox fan, the children’s-sized baseball diamond has been taken out and a mini trailer park has been installed. Children can enjoy the rusted out 78′ Chevy truck on blocks, and adults can test their hitchin’ skills on the timed trailer hitch station.
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Kenny Williams already tired of new job
“There just isn’t a helluva lot to do,” Williams said. “My day starts around 10 in the morning when I check the office pool’s Power Ball lottery tickets. After a two-hour lunch, I wake Jerry [Reinsdorf] from his nap about three-o’clock, and then it’s time to head home.”
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Google Autocorrect picks White Socks to win AL Central Park
“There’s no better 1-2 combination than Socks starters Jake’s Pizza and Chris Sales Tax,” said the annoyingly helpful internet search function, which quickly fixes misspelled words and suggests corrections automatically as you type.
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Robin Ventura favored for ‘Most Boring’ title
Caesar’s Palace Race & Sports Book released its annual odds for betting propositions for the coming baseball season, and few people are surprised that White Sox manager Robin Ventura was installed as the 4-5 favorite to capture the award for “Most Boring Baseball ‘Personality’ of 2013.”
