“The thought of him signing with the Minnesota Vikings or Green Bay Packers caused us to almost lose our lunch!” claimed one Bears fan, shocked that Urlacher turned down the $2 million deal that would appear generous by comparison after what the linebacker was offered in the free agent market. “What a greedy bum. Congratulations on his retirement, though.”

Urlacher will long be remembered as one of the greatest Bears linebackers, and will no doubt hold a special place in the hearts of many fans, in spite of his tirades before entering the free agent market. The fact that he played his entire career with the Bears as one of their hardest working athletes is what will long be remembered.

“To know that the Bears were so appreciative of my efforts is really something else,” said Spaeth, now with the Steelers after playing for Chicago in 2011 and 2012. “I only caught three TD passes in my two seasons with the team, but I guess that’s all you need to make a name for yourself on a franchise that’s been so lacking in the tight end department for decades.”

“This decision did not come lightly,” Urlacher told reporters at a press conference. “I feel I still have the ability to compete in the league, but at the end of the day I wouldn’t be able to perform at the level I expect of myself. I’d just be too distracted by the urge to put on a tight-fitting white t-shirt, a single hoop earring, and cross my arms as I extoll the unmatched cleaning power of Mr. Clean products with Febreze freshness.”

Once word of Urlacher’s decision was made public, retired Ravens linebacker Ray Lewis told reporters he too had been approached to be a company spokesperson, and is in talks to be the voice of the Charmin Bear.

By Jeff GoodSmith

Gronk left a swath of felled trees, smashed rocks, and crushed wildlife en route to the nearest town, where he yelled “GRONK NEED BEER!” The hulking tight end found a night club, where he flicked away the pesky bouncers like ants and remodeled the club’s door to be in the shape of his body as he rumbled through it. Gronk punched through the steel door of the refrigeration unit and grabbed the nearest half-barrel. He ripped the top off the keg like a normal person would a pop-top and downed the entire barrel in 10 seconds. He then wiped his mouth and bellowed “GRONK DANCE NOW!”

Gronkowski then stomped his way to the dance floor just as LMFAO’s “I’m Sexy and I Know It” came on. He proceeded to perform his wild, flailing dance moves as an aghast crowd looked on. One woman got too close to the swinging adamantium arm and was knocked through the club’s ceiling. Search crews and teams of bloodhounds are still trying to figure out where she landed.

After receiving word about Gronkowski’s rampage-in-progress, coach Bill Belichick quickly raced to the club and shot his Pro Bowl tight end with a tranquilizer dart meant for an elephant. Gronk froze and fell to the floor with a booming thud, and a team of eight Patriots coaches loaded him up into the back of a truck and took him to the team facility. The team stabilized him then announced that Gronkowski would be forced to wear a shirt that says “Sorry for rampaging” during training camp.

“I tried leaning south, but I’ve completely lost the range of motion,” Urlacher lamented, referring to his balky knees. “The team isn’t even interested in me. If someone could just pick me up and spin me, I’d be able to lean toward Denver or maybe a suitor on the East Coast.”

Bears fans are just hoping their beloved linebacker doesn’t accidentally teeter toward Wisconsin and the hated Green Bay Packers.

“Jason Collins’ announcement really hit home for me, making me realize I needed to be truthful and let my teammates and fans know that I am not who I appear to be,” said Carimi. “I am not a competent football player. I am a bad football player.”

After hearing their teammate admit to being bad, multiple Bears stood behind Carimi and vouched that he indeed was bad.

“Because of his penalties and the number of times his man sacked me, I kind of suspected he was bad, but it’s good to receive confirmation from him,” quarterback Jay Cutler. “This doesn’t change how I feel about him.”

In a perhaps related story, 16 members of the Chicago Cubs have scheduled a press conference after learning of Carimi’s news.

Rumor has it that Christian Television Network TLN has pitched a show in which Tebow travels the country helping people and preaching the gospel.

However, the current front-runner has to be a concept from reality heavyweight the E! network. The concept will pair recent reality show failure and Olympic swimmer Ryan Lochte with Tim Tebow to create a modern day odd couple of professional athletes. The show will center around the dating habits and hi-jinx of the two single attractive male athletes looking for love in the big city.

Lochte would play the carefree simpleton who’s just out to get laid against Tim Tebow the deeply moral and religious simpleton looking for the future Mrs. Tebow.

One reality producer described the show as a “competition between ChristainMingle.com and Fling.com. It’s gonna be huge.”

“Well, I thought I was picking Howie,” Emery said of the Hall of Fame defensive lineman, who is now a football commentator for Fox NFL Sunday.

Howie is the father of Kyle Long, the player the Bears actually selected.

“I watched Howie on television last fall and I swear he told Jimmy Johnson he was going to re-enter the NFL draft, so when I saw he was still on the board at Number 20, I jumped at the chance to get him.”

Emery said he also considered selecting Jerry Rice Jr., Notre Dame’s George Atkinson III and Nate Montana. But in the end, here decided to sign free agent running back Jarrett Payton instead.

A tearful Tebow told reporters at a farewell press conference, “While I’m sorry to leave the Jets, I look forward to being with my new Sin teammates and the challenge of the Lingerie-brand of pro football.”

The six-foot-three, 236-lb. Heisman Trophy winner will compete with five-foot-six, 131-lb. Nikki Johnson for the starting QB position.

“Some people might raise an eyebrow at my playing on a women’s football team let alone one called the Sin,” said Tebow, a devout Christian. “However this is a great opportunity for me get playing time and maybe to do a little converting on the side.”

Kyle Long was asked about long his road playing nearly an entire season of college football at the FBS level prior to getting drafted in the NFL.

“It’s been a long road, with that one year where I showed a lot of hard work and dedication,” Long said. “I’m just glad to have finally made it to the pros.”

The offensive lineman was then asked to whom he attributed his success.

“My parents definitely, especially my father,” said Long. “I remember as a child being on the set for his Radio Shack commercials. Witnessing his discipline & extended hours he put in to those shoots is what really inspired me.”