"This is why you put on the surgical mask and gloves," said team surgeon Michael Benson. "No offense to the other guys on the roster, but the chance to work with Derrick is a once in a lifetime opportunity."
"This is a best of seven series," said NBA Commissioner Adam Silver. "We have TV deals in place, player contract stipulations must be enforced and I'd personally like to see LeBron [James] just destroy Toronto's will to live, to be honest."
"The pain is unreal!" Butler shouted as he fell to the floor of the Wells Fargo Center's visiting team's locker room. "I knew this would happen eventually, but there was no way I could prepare for it."
"Why would I be shocked?" said long-time season ticket holder Anthony Scapaldi."He wouldn't pass to Stoudemire, Hardaway or Lin either."
Former teammate Scottie Pippen, who has been in a similar role with the team since 2012, was none too happy to hear of Kukoc’s hiring. As a form of protest, Pippen sat out the last 1.8 seconds of the team’s regular Monday morning staff meeting at the United Center.
“It hurts. It really hurts, man,” Butler told the Chicago Sun-Times. “Where’s a 50-something year-old, overweight guy with a really bad comb-over supposed to get a job making 4 or 5 million dollars a year these days?”
Sources say Bulls GM John Paxson is set to name Iowa State's Fred Hoibery as the team's new coach they'll fire in three to five years, replacing the hugely successful Tom Thibodeau, who was bounced after five seasons of .600-plus basketball.