First it was the presidential election. Then it was the threat of a global market meltdown. Now it's something much more serious. Fake news websites around the world have been claiming for weeks the Chicago Cubs won the 2016 World Series.
"We actually considered a larger increase," said President of Business Operations Crane Kenney, "but we wanted to reward the fans for their patience with a small increase of just under 20 percent. It's the right way to do things."
“I can’t wait to see Bartolo Colon anchor the N.L. squad,” said Tony Clark, head of the MLB Players Association. “He’s going to beat the pants off of Wally the Green Monster!”
"Rule 142.2 part A clearly states that if any offensive player from a World Series-winning team has an average below .240 and also exhibits Gold-Glove caliber defense, he may, for the good of the team and the fans in general, be allowed a replacement hitter," said MLB Commissioner Rob Manfred.
A bartender at John Barleycorn in Wrigleyville was fired today after trying to make World Series winning Cubs Manager Joe Maddon pay his own bartab.
It appears television cannot get enough of the Chicago Cubs. Fresh off their appearance on Saturday Night Live, NBC announced that Anthony Rizzo, David Ross and Dexter Fowler have been hired to anchor the network’s Presidential election coverage.
Having gone shirtless for most of the event, Wood eventually walked into the trophy while teammate Dexter Fowler was holding it on his hip for a photo. Six of the trophy's 30 gold-plated flags pierced Wood in the lower abdomen.