“We invented this whole purchase-a-championship thing,” said Yankees GM Brian Cashman. “In fact, we patented it. By acquiring Adrian Gonzalez, Josh Beckett, Carl Crawford and Nick Punto, along with their accompanying salaries, the Dodgers are in clear violation.”

Dodgers GM Ned Colletti vowed to fight the suit in court.

“If anything, we learned this trick from the 1997 Florida Marlins who, I would add, did not protect their strategy in any legally-binding way,” he said. “They also seemed to abandon it the next year.”

“We have a boatload of No. 99 Manny Ramirez jerseys left over from a few years ago that we desperately need to sell out of,” said team president Stan Kasten. “We’re hoping Hanley can help us get in the playoffs and unload all these No. 99 Ramirez jerseys.”

Kasten said by forcing Hanley Ramirez to wear Manny Ramirez’s old number, the team hopes to unload most of the approximately 100,000 No. 99 jerseys it currently has stored in an Echo Park warehouse at a minimum of $85 a pop.

“This has been a top priority for us,” said Kasten. “We’ve considered nearly every Ramirez out there but couldn’t ever find quite the right one.”

Kasten said Aramis Ramirez has been a top candidate this winter, but was ruled out because “he’s an even bigger dick than Manny.”

“Playing under Pat Riley was the highlight of my professional career,” Johnson said fondly. “He was the reason we became the ‘Showtime Lakers’ and won championships. Now I need him to build the ‘Showtime Dodgers’ and win another title.”

Riley’s knowledge of baseball stems from his own father’s lengthy minor league baseball career. Having played football and basketball at Kentucky, Riley feels he’s well-positioned for a successful reign as Dodgers GM.

“I’ve been surrounded by every major sport throughout my life,” Riley said. “That’s how I know the ins and outs of seeking the best players and making sure they perform at the top. I can take a Carl Crawford from the Red Sox and make him the James Worthy or Alonzo Mourning of my outfield.”

A few stumbling blocks are currently holding up any potential deal. A written agreement is being worked out between Riley and Miami Heat coach Erik Spoelstra that would place all blame for any potential Heat failure on Spoelstra’s shoulders only and disregard any Riley absence during the season. A sit-down meeting with actor Michael Douglas in L.A has been requested, to ensure only Riley is sporting the Gordon Gekko haircut that caused so much confusion in 1987 with many L.A residents confusing the coach for the Oscar-winning actor

The monumental move was spearheaded by Mets owner Fred Wilpon, well-known to be an avid Dodgers fan.

“We’re hurting financially, and you all know about that mess with Frank [McCourt] and the Dodgers,” said Wilpon. “The only reason I even bought the Mets was to parlay them into the Dodgers.”

The Dodgers will disband as soon as their miserable 2011 season officially ends. Their top players will be infused into the Mets roster, while the rest will be placed in a league wide expansion style draft. James Loney is expected to be the top pick. There is also talk about the new team packaging five to 10 spare parts for a starting pitcher in the off-season.

The team be called the “MetsDodgers,” at least until 2015, when a vote will be held in New York to pick a new one. Citi Field is already designed with a half Met/half Dodger motif, so the decision to keep the new team in Queens was an easy one. Dodger Stadium will be bought by Universal Studios and converted to a giant sound stage, thanks to its already-booming PA system.

MLB Commissioner Bud Selig has called a press conference for early next week to iron out the details of the merger. He is also expected to announce the induction of a second Wild Card spot in each league. The MetsDodgers are already a hopeful contender for that spot.

Selig was asked about realignment and the now depleted National League West.

“We’ll just toss the Astros over there,” said Selig. “Does it really matter?”

Selig said future mergers might be in order.

“These are two great franchises that have both lost their way,” said Selig. “If this works out the way I expect it to, we may look to join the Orioles and Cubs in 2013.”

Even though he’s in jail awaiting trial on drug and grand theft auto charges, things are looking up for baseball-player-turned-financial-consultant Lenny Dykstra. The former outfielder recently announced he landed a big client: Dodgers owner Frank McCourt, whose team is currently in MLB conservatorship.

“Frank and me, we got a good understanding of each other’s problems: Too many greedy mother [expletive deleted] out there trying to take from us what’s ours,” Dykstra said in his characteristic mumble. “We, you know, connect on that level. Also, like the Catholic Church, we’ve never made any mistakes.”

McCourt said his relationship with Dykstra is already paying dividends.

“Nails is a financial genius. I know because that Jim Cramer guy on Mad Money said so,” McCourt explained. “Lenny’s already given me some great business tips, such as tearing the copper wiring and pipes out of Dodger Stadium and selling them for scrap. He’s also taught me about creditor-avoidance tactics and the importance of having big wads of cash on you at all times. I can’t wait until he shows me how to hide my expenses on drugs and hookers in my not-for-profit foundation fund.”

By Brian Summerfield

When Manny Ramirez signed with the Tampa Bay Rays this off-season, many wondered if the potential Hall of Famer could sink any lower while trying to collect a paycheck.

Ramirez, who starred on the powerhouse 1990s Indians, two World Series-champion Red Sox teams and the playoff caliber Dodgers of the past two seasons, would seem an odd fit with the rebuilding and attendance-challenged Rays.

However, in yet another case of “Manny being Manny,” he insisted he’ll sink even lower in 2012 and sign a minor league, non-guaranteed offer with the Cubs so he can concentrate on his goofball antics instead of actual baseball.

“I have accomplished all I want to in this game, from winning World Series to hair growth to getting suspended for steroids,” said the slugger as he climbed on the actual Devil Ray in the Tropicana Field tank for a quick ride. “Weeeeee, riding this fish is fun! I’m really going to enjoy playing here where there’s no pressure to win. Manny not need the stress anymore. Then next year I play for Cubs, Manny can relax even more.”

Ramirez said he looked forward to hiding in the Wrigley Field ivy for entire innings, drinking beer while waiting on-deck and spit-shining Mike Quade’s head. He added he would like to finish he career in 2013 playing 16-inch softball for some local bar or working at 7-Eleven where he hoped he’d get an RBI for every Slurpee he made.

By Patrick Olson

The red-hot Dodgers and their fans are reeling today after news broke that slugger Manny Ramirez will be handed a 50-game suspension for testing positive for what insiders are calling “Crazy Juice.”

“We don’t know what Manny was taking,” said MLB commissioner Bud Selig. “It was certainly a performance-enhancing drug, but it was like nothing we’ve ever seen before.”

The positive test helps explains Ramirez history of colorful behavior, previously chalked up to “Manny being Manny.” It turns out it was “Manny being hopped up on performance enhancing drugs.”

Ramirez was contrite has can be.

“Without the Crazy Juice, I’m just another average guy with weird hair,” said Ramirez. “It’s cool though. I’m going to spend my time off by taking a vacation on the moon.”

By Brad Zibung, founder and editor in chief

“Dodgers fans should be thrilled Ramirez has finally re-signed with their club,” said ESPN baseball analyst Peter Gammons. “They’re going to get a lot of enjoyment off his bizarre antics and the way he mashes the ball, particularly against the Cubs.”

Ramirez was a key ingredient to the club that demolished the Cubs in the NLDS last season, hitting .500, drawing four walks and scoring five runs. All while displaying the kind of attitude that’s been come to be known as “Manny being Manny.” The Cubs insist they’ve found an answer to Ramirez’s dominance.

“We all talked about it this off-season,” said Ryan Dempster, who managed to get Ramirez to ground into a double play in the NLDS. “If he’s up with a man on first, we get him to hit a routine grounder. And if he’s up with first base available, we plunk him in the head.”