The Loyola Ramblers, a true Cinderella story and the most relevant Chicago-based basketball team since Dennis Rodman became the voice of reason for North Korea, will be without their star player, Sister Jean, for the Final Four after being declared academically ineligible.
“I started preparing by interviewing myself in the mirror. It’s interesting how my answers are thorough with surprisingly little substance. This job may be harder than it seems.”
It’s been a whirlwind week for Sister Jean Dolores-Schmidt, the energetic nonagenarian superfan of Loyola Chicago Basketball. First she was seen in the stands as her beloved Ramblers basketball team defeated the Miami Hurricanes on a buzzer beater.
The Bears have made their first big off-season headlines with the expected free-agent signing of Allen Robinson from the Jacksonville Jaguars. Bears GM Ryan Pace said the team plans to have Robinson play "wide receiver," which is an innovative new position the team just discovered.
"When you can get a player of Matt Forte's quality, you go out and do it," said Bears GM Ryan Pace, who let Forte walk after the 2015 season, "Even though he's announced he's no longer going to play, getting Matt in exchange for a fourth-round pick is a steal."