“Hi boys and girls!” Boozer said, while sharing the stage with Big Bird, Cookie Monster and other favorites from the long-running show. “Normally amnesty means granting freedom to a large group of individuals, but in the case of the NBA, it’s what happens to an really, really overpaid player like me. You see, the team tells me ‘bye bye,’ but I still get paid. Crazy, right?”

Boozer then had to console a crying Bert and Ernie who burst into puppet tears after learning of an economic system so fractured that a person can be paid $13 million a year to not work while millions of Americans live in poverty.

“It feels good, man. You can’t rush these things, but now I’m finally back to where I can jump, cut, and move the way I know I can. I’m ready to help this team beat the Heat!” a confident Rose said. Although Miami “technically” eliminated the Bulls with a victory in game 5 of their series, the Bulls guard remained optimistic that a come-back was still possible: “I’ve been waiting to play all year. We can still do this! Put me in, coach!”

An NBA official, who wished to remain anonymous, told reporters, “Rose’s gambling had just gone out of control.  He’s a hyper-competitive guy, and that manifested itself with all-night poker games and off-days spent in casinos, but it really crossed a line when he started betting on games.”  According to this source, it was at this point that Stern decided to have Rose fake an injury so as not to hurt the reputation of the league.

When reached for comment about the likelihood that David Stern would force a player to miss an entire season due to a fabricated reason as punishment for gambling, Charlotte Bobcats owner Michael Jordan replied, “No comment.  Not going there, man.”

By Jeff GoodSmith

Bosh was clearly upset at the report, viewing it as an insult toward his general appearance and gangliness. He spoke long and eloquently at a press conference to deny these rumors, telling reporters, “NEEEYAHHHH, SCREEE SCREEE AYIYIYIYI NEEEUGHHH.”

Bosh made a point to say that, though some might find it humorous to call him a dinosaur, he is a human being with feelings and emotions, and that the accusations are quite hurtful. He passionately made this point when he stated, “EEEEEEEMMM BRRRREAHHHHH AYYYYYYYNNNN.” He then paused for a moment to regain his composure before offering a closing remark of a cackled, “BURRR.”

By Jeff GoodSmith

“The awaited return of Derrick Rose has left an entire city in giddy suspense,” said FTD Operations Manager Jeffrey Williams. “We thought with all that hype, why not bypass the predictable Mother’s Day flower delivery and give Mom the gift of prolonged anticipation.”

Williams went on to note that each ‘Derrick’ Rose Bouquet recipient will receive a card confirming their gift order – with expected delivery in 8 to 12 months. Its requested that each recipient be patient as they get in the proper mindset and work hard towards preparing to produce their order.

For those less patient mothers, FTD is also offering an alternate Noah package that arrives fresh with broken stems, but includes same day delivery.

Brian Berns

“Yeah, I’m not feeling well, but I need to be out there with my teammates no matter what,” said Deng. “Watching the last four games from a hospital bed while writhing in pain has really sucked.”

Derrick Rose, Deng’s MVP teammate who’s missed the entire season due to a knee injury commended Deng.

“What Luol’s trying to do really shows you what he’s made of,” said Rose. “It also shows you he’s putting his team ahead of his own well-being, which makes him a complete sucker, but it does show you what he’s made of.”

“DRose has that iron fortitude that all elite athletes have,” said Harrelson in a recent interview. “Ya gotta have TWT: The Will To … ”

“And while most sports stars have TWTW: The Will To Win, Derrick is remarkable in that he has TWTS: The Will To Sit. I’ve never seen anything like it. His resolve is impenetrable.”

Continued Harrelson, “Now forget about all the metrics and the numbers – the upcoming one year anniversary of the knee surgery, the two months since he has been medically cleared to play, the $95 million contract with the Bulls, the $200 million deal with Adidas. Numbers don’t win ball games; TWT does.”

“It’s simple,” explained Harrelson. “Combining Derrick’s TWTS with TWTW of all his injured and ill teammates who abhor sitting, that’s what’s going to win playoff basketball games.”

When informed of Rose’s recent remark that he spends all his free time with his young son and is therefore unaware of the mounting fan frustration, Harrelson said, “I think that’s great. Derrick’s son is probably at that age where he can sit up on his own now. So it’s important that he has a role model like Derrick to show him how.”

“You gotta practice what you preach, you know?” Rose said. “I can’t fault my employees for not showing up to the office. It’s a policy I actively embrace with the Bulls.”

After a rigorous set of interviews for DR1 Audio Technologies, Rose initially hired 36 employees, including web developers, network administrators, sales representatives, product engineers and executive assistants. None of the employees showed up to work once, but Rose happily sent them weekly paychecks via Chase QuickPay.

“We have an innovative and aggressive company motto,” Rose said. “It is, ‘Meh, whatever, it’s cool.’ I painted the words myself in the DR1 office lobby, so it’s the first thing you see when you walk in. Of course no one showed up, so no one saw it. But you know what? Meh, whatever, it’s cool.”

DR1 Audio Technologies is now bankrupt, but Rose has his heart set on starting a new business with similar employee practices, such as: unlimited sick days, mental-health month, and Muscle Memory Mondays.

“Muscle Memory Mondays is pretty avant-garde,” Rose said. “I encourage my employees to try and get ready for work blindfolded, and if they walk into a wall or put on two different socks on accident, they can feel free to not come in to work until 2017.”

10. The Mayan apocalypse came and went.

9. The Cubs lost 100+ games.

8.  Dennis Rodman became an American Ambassador to North Korea.

7. Hawk Harrelson claimed the number of items in this list is overrated.

6. The Chicago Bears have blown two first round draft picks.

5. The Chicago Matadors have lost a combined 232 lbs and 10 jobs.

4. Lance Armstrong lost the Tour De France a record seven times.

3. More Popes have played basketball than Derrick Rose.

2. Ricky Rubio, Iman Shumpert, and Adrian Peterson all came back from ACL injuries.

1. Jay Cutler has been blamed for everything.

View the entire clip here.