“God damn Crawford! Get your head out of your ass,” wrote one fan on Facebook who has a Blackhawks logo for his profile pic. “This series is officially over. See you never, Blackhawks.”

“Can’t believe the Hawks have Oduya out there. It’s like they want to lose,” BHawks4Ever posted to Twitter. “Time to pay attention to baseball I guess.”

In another tweet, BHawks4Ever added: “This is the worst thing to happen to the Blackhawks since they were founded in 2010.”

Coach Joel Quenneville set the notorious partyer aside after practice.

“We just won the Stanley Cup a few years ago. You know that, right?” Quenneville asked. “You drank champagne from it but you had to pour it in yourself. How do you not remember this?”

After a few beats, Kane smiled.

“Oh yeah, I remember,” he said, before contemplating additional types of alcohol he could drink from the 35-pound cup.

When league officials informed him he would not be allowed to make “jungle juice” or “flaming Dr. Peppers” in the cup, Kane asked, “So do we have to stick with champagne and beer? I mean, Four Loko is okay, right?”

Kane was later seen walking into a Binny’s attempting to return a bottle of Everclear.

By Jeff GoodSmith

“That was such a tough loss,” said Kane in post-game interview. “But you know, I did score our only goal, so I feel like I should be rewarded for that.”

Kane said he’d probably make the rounds in River North, or maybe head up to Wrigleyville, hoping to score a few drunk female Mets fans.

“There’s something about New York girls that really gets to me,” said Kane. “Plus, they probably don’t care about how bad we stunk up the joint against Detroit this afternoon, so they might be even easier than Chicago girls today.”

“Is this Lady Byng chick hot?” asked Kane. “I didn’t already hook up with her or something, did I?”

After being told the trophy is named after Evelyn Byng, who died in 1949 and was the wife of former Governor General of Canada. Lord Byng, Kane seemed confused.

“Okay, so she’s not hot and I clearly didn’t already hook up with her, so why exactly should I care?” asked Kane. “Unless she’s got some hot great-granddaughters or something. They should give me a call if that’s the case, especially if they’re twins or something.”

“You’ve got to be kidding me,” Coach Mike Babcock said of his team that meandered between the 9th and 10th spots in the conference before making the NHL tourney. “We backed into the playoffs and then got lucky enough to beat a hockey club that cares even less than we do.”

“Well, that’s the end of my vacation plans,” Carlo Colaiacovo, the Wings’ little used defenseman told the Detroit Free Press.

“Looks like the wife and kids will be on their own at Disney World while I’m freezing my ass off in Chicago.”

“It’s an odd case,” said Hossa’s physician Hubert Latro. “Throughout counseling he would wear a hat without issue. As soon as I threw a stack of hats onto the table he would shrivel up and shout ‘bad hats, bad hats!’ and nearly faint.”

Hossa himself isn’t entirely certain where the fear stems from, but thinks he might have it narrowed down to a childhood incident.

“Once, when I was nine years old,” Hossa explained, “I missed a goal-scoring opportunity point blank. In Slovakia, it was customary at that time, to throw hats onto the ice and boo a player who missed a great chance at a goal. As a child this traumatized me.”

By the time Hossa turned professional he had all but forgot about the childhood incident. He would go on to score multiple hat tricks in the NHL, each time being showered by hats without issue. It wasn’t until his last three goal output when the fear kicked in.

“I was almost driven to tears,” Hossa said. “Ever since then, when I would hit two goals in a game, I start to hear boos in my head, and imagine thousands of hats falling on me. I nearly had Bollig body check a fan the other day who asked me if I could sign a bunch of his hats.”

“We’d love to have Susannah back for the night,” said owner Rocky Wirtz, who spearheaded Collins’ firing by writing a letter to Comcast expressing concern over lighthearted and possibly offensive fake news videos Collins did prior to working for the network. “Accordingly, we’ve invited Susannah to participate in Thursday’s ‘Shoot the Puck’ contest, but only if she wears something skimpy. Stiletto heels too.”

Wirtz added that the Blackhawks would actually consider hiring Collins for a job wit the team, “just as soon as they have an opening on the Ice Crew.”

This is not the first time the United Nations has sought to make peace with the savage Vancouver natives during their postseason struggles. Missionaries have often paid visits to the Canuck fans, passing out toiletries and bibles, hoping the extra comfort would give them some solace in their bouts of anger and grief. Typically, the smell of burning rubber was the peacekeepers’ only reward.

The strong show of force is intended to promote restraint and encourage Canuck fans to find other, less violent means for venting their frustration, such as heavy drinking or vigorous excercise that doesn’t involve punching or kicking somebody. The world is watching Vancouver tonight as we continue to hope for a peaceful outcome to the annual playoff disappointment.

Jim Benson, Vice President & GM of CSN Chicago, and one of the individuals who sealed Collins’ fate, was reached for comment in regards to the firing of Garfien.

“After Susannah gained some national exposure for Tuesday night’s slip up, we finally decided to actually do our job and run some background checks,” said the CSN exec. “What we found regarding Chuck was inexcusable.”

The incident Mr. Benson referred to was a karaoke performance at Trader Todd’s in which Garfien misread the lyrics to Bon Jovi’s “Livin’ On A Prayer.”

“You can hear Chuck say ‘it doesn’t make a difference if we’re naked or not,’ when clearly everyone knows it’s ‘make it or not.’ I mean the lyrics are right there in front of you. That’s unacceptable.”

No word yet if Pat Boyle will be fired for his solo rendition of the “Harlem Shake.”