“I tried leaning south, but I’ve completely lost the range of motion,” Urlacher lamented, referring to his balky knees. “The team isn’t even interested in me. If someone could just pick me up and spin me, I’d be able to lean toward Denver or maybe a suitor on the East Coast.”

Bears fans are just hoping their beloved linebacker doesn’t accidentally teeter toward Wisconsin and the hated Green Bay Packers.

“Jason Collins’ announcement really hit home for me, making me realize I needed to be truthful and let my teammates and fans know that I am not who I appear to be,” said Carimi. “I am not a competent football player. I am a bad football player.”

After hearing their teammate admit to being bad, multiple Bears stood behind Carimi and vouched that he indeed was bad.

“Because of his penalties and the number of times his man sacked me, I kind of suspected he was bad, but it’s good to receive confirmation from him,” quarterback Jay Cutler. “This doesn’t change how I feel about him.”

In a perhaps related story, 16 members of the Chicago Cubs have scheduled a press conference after learning of Carimi’s news.

“Well, I thought I was picking Howie,” Emery said of the Hall of Fame defensive lineman, who is now a football commentator for Fox NFL Sunday.

Howie is the father of Kyle Long, the player the Bears actually selected.

“I watched Howie on television last fall and I swear he told Jimmy Johnson he was going to re-enter the NFL draft, so when I saw he was still on the board at Number 20, I jumped at the chance to get him.”

Emery said he also considered selecting Jerry Rice Jr., Notre Dame’s George Atkinson III and Nate Montana. But in the end, here decided to sign free agent running back Jarrett Payton instead.

Kyle Long was asked about long his road playing nearly an entire season of college football at the FBS level prior to getting drafted in the NFL.

“It’s been a long road, with that one year where I showed a lot of hard work and dedication,” Long said. “I’m just glad to have finally made it to the pros.”

The offensive lineman was then asked to whom he attributed his success.

“My parents definitely, especially my father,” said Long. “I remember as a child being on the set for his Radio Shack commercials. Witnessing his discipline & extended hours he put in to those shoots is what really inspired me.”

New to the playbook is a three-down, two-minute drill and a 65-yard horizontal out routes passing set, all of which are standard in the CFL.

“Since the NFL has been uncool about their fancy 10-yard end zones and not giving points on wacky fieldgoals, I don’t know how to score points,” said a very baffled Trestman. “I am currently working on an entire Cutler package where he pushes an offensive tackle, yells at Devin Hester because he has no idea where he’s supposed to be and we score a two-point goal, which is the bread-and-butter scoring play in the CFL. That’s legal here too right?”

Campbell failed miserably in 2012 as Jay Cutler’s backup after inking one of the league’s largest contracts for a second-stringer.

While the 8th year pro realizes that his time in the NFL could be short-lived, he thinks his chances with the Browns might go beyond borrowed time.

“I know I’ve pretty much outlived my usefulness in pro football,” the 31-year-old signal caller said. “But being exiled to a team that’s averaged four wins each year since 1999, no joke, I could last another 5-6 years in this league.”

Asked what he’ll miss most about playing in Chicago, Campbell mused, “Trading steaks and martinis at Gibson’s for the spinning salad bowl and all-you-can eat breadsticks at the Olive Garden in Cuyahoga Falls.”

“What a lovely young man,” said bingo enthusiast Gladys Freeberg. “He wasn’t very good at bingo, but he sure knew how to point us in the right direction. He also complimented me on my hip replacement, and I gave him my doctor’s number.”

Urlacher managed to win one game, although he tied with 97-year old Herbert Livingston. Livingston was declared the winner when he beat Urlacher to the prize table, collecting a set of cloth coasters purchased from the dollar store.

“With Brian gone, I have to be the new face of the franchise,” said Cutler. “And [GM Phil] Emery told me to smile more. So as a true leader, I took it upon myself to get Botox injections. I’m that committed to this team.”

While some of his teammates were impressed with the gesture, others were shocked and even a little appalled.

“It’s grotesque,” said Julius Peppers. “Every time he smiles it looks like he’s in pain.”

“Everyone here respects Brian and everything he’s done for this proud franchise,” said Emery. “There’s no way we can replace his leadership, so I’ve decided to do whatever it takes to bring him back. I’ve been putting off cleaning under my couch cushions for a while now, but I’m going to see what’s in there that we can offer to Brian. I mean, I’m really going to dig around in there, in the crevices and everything. I don’t think Urlacher will feel slighted at all during this process, especially after he sees what turns up.”

Emery then spent two hours giving his sofa the equivalent of a full cavity search. It ended up being a fruitful mission, as several items turned up. He found 74 cents in change, an old stick of Doublemint gum, a book of matches from a Chicago-area strip club, a USB drive with Emery family vacation photos, a movie ticket for Star Wars: Episode 1, a Jehova’s witness pamphlet, and half-chewed catnip toys from his cat. Emery then got on the phone with Urlacher’s agent to offer him the entire bounty.

“Uhhhh, we’ll get back to you…” Urlacher’s agent replied. “I’m on the other line with the Vikings right now. They’re willing to let Brian keep as many pieces of the Metrodome as he wants after it inevitably crumbles this year.”