Dolan, who has always been known to favor the Knicks over the Rangers, was overheard heralding Knicks GM Glen Grunwald for his acquisition of Steve Nash.

“We find it best to just let him think what he wants to think,” said an anonymous employee of Dolan’s. “It’s like his ears have a Knicks filter. Everything is about the Knicks. Eventually he’ll realize this was a hockey move, but for now, we’ll let him be.”

Dolan, who was vacationing in Turks and Caicos at the time of the Rick Nash trade, released a comment to the Daily News about the phantom Steve Nash pick-up.

“This is why we didn’t sign what’s his face, that Asian guy, I was holding out hope for Nash,” Dolan stated. “Steve is my second favorite point guard after my great friend, Isiah [Thomas], and it’s a thrill to finally get him to New York.”

Rangers President and GM Glen Sather just shrugged and laughed when he heard of his boss’s misunderstanding.

“I actually don’t think he realizes he still owns the Rangers,” Sather said while teeing off on the 14th at Beth Page Golf Course in Long Island. “We just added a perennial 30-goal scorer in his prime to a team that was a couple wins short of the Cup final. Let him think the Knicks got another 40-year-old.”

Neither Nash was available for comment.

The Rangers’ coach will appear in a string of “Just For Men” commercials starting this summer.

“I’m glad they signed me up now,” said a frustrated Tortorella after his team’s game four loss to Ottawa. “The playoffs might be over in a few days and I’m immediately shaving this shit off my face.”

Tortorella will join New York legends Walt Frazier and Keith Hernandez in his first commercial, replacing Cowboys great Emmitt Smith, who the company recently cut ties with for being “too dumb.”

Torts was told to come up with a facial hair-themed catch phrase, but was immediately shot down when he offered “You look like a god-damn asshole.” He will instead say the so-called “hockey themed”-rhyme, “Your bristles draw whistles.”

“Let me tell ya something, that’s a stupid catchphrase,” said the fiery Tortorella. “You won’t see that on a [blanking] T-shirt. Mine could have been the new “Where’s the Beef?”

The commercials will air in the tri-state area to start, with hopes they’d possibly expand to other markets depending on the amount of YouTube traffic each spot generates.

“We know how bad we had been playing…I’m playing,” said the All-Star. “It’s crazy. They’re talking about firing Coach Q. They’re talking about trading me. We haven’t won in what feels like forever. You know what that means, don’t you?”

“SLUMPBUSTER!” Kane shouted to a room of reporters.

And he’s taking a page out of the Captain’s book. No, not Jonathan Toews. The one and only Captain of Classy Love, Derek Jeter.

Kane revealed that his trip to Yankees shortstop’s hometown inspired him to follow in Jeter’s footsteps. He’s now sending his one-night stands gift bags filled with team memorabilia.

“It always seemed to work for Jeter, and I can offer a lot more stuff than just a signed baseball,” Kane said.

The contents of Kane’s slumpbuster goody bag include:

1. Official Blackhawks hockey puck, signed by Patrick Kane
2. Replica throwback #88 Blackhawks sweater, signed by Patrick Kane
3. 2010 Blackhawks Stanley Cup DVD
4. Coach Q bobble-head
5. Tommy Hawk pillow pet
6. 2011 Blackhawks Holiday Sing-a-long CD
7. Viktor Stalberg’s cell phone number
8. Shirtless photo of Patrick Sharp, signed by Patrick Kane

“Look, everyone knows we’ve been in a slump,” said Kane. “But no girl out there wants to be considered a Slumpbuster. Maybe these goody bags will help ease those feelings for them, and for us, maybe we’ll finally break through. Win-win.”

After scoring a goal on his Rangers’ teammate Henrik Lundqvist in Sunday’s All-Star Game, Gaborik aimed his stick like a rifle and pantomimed shooting his friend in the chest.

“Here in Canada, that is considered a terroristic threat,” said Canadian Mountie Jan Badabadeux. “We do not take chances like you Yanks do. That is why our crime rate is so low.”

Gaborik claims the inspiration for his stunt was teammate Artem Anisimov, who earlier in the season performed the same celebration in a game, which started a brawl on the ice.

The Rangers’ winger was put on the Canadian Most Wanted list, and detained at the US-Canadian border driving the car he won for being the MVP of the game.

“Hank [Lundqvist] thought it was funny,” said Gaborik. “I don’t care that they took my car, that thing was a piece of crap, but I really need to get back to America for the next game, we’re trying to win the conference here.”

John Tortorella plans to re-shift his lines for Tuesday night’s game, but the outspoken coach isn’t happy about it.

“That’s just like Canada, and just like the NHL,” Torts cried. “Bunch of [expletives], all of em. Gabby is the softest guy on our team, and they think he’s a terrorist? [Expletive] joke, just a [expletive] joke!”

“Might as well get my money’s worth. They sucked. Flat-out sucked. It was an epic display of horrific officiating and they had an agenda,” the Rangers coach said. “I don’t even blame the [expletive] refs, the call clearly came from the top. Those [expletive] sheep were probably scared they’d lose their jobs. Oh, and I’m sorry.”

Tortorella accused the NHL of forcing the refs to get the game into overtime by awarding Philadelphia’s Daniel Briere a penalty shot in the last minutes of the third period.

“Honest to God, I thought I was a Buffalo Wild Wings commercial,” revealed Tortorella. “Then I remembered this was a hockey game, and you’d sooner see a [expletive] rugby commercial in America.”

Tortorella went on to say that despite his team winning, the bad calls put a damper on the celebration. He also stated he had no problem with the Flyers or their personnel.

“To be fair, I think they told Briere to miss,” Tortorella admitted. “At least I hope they did because any moron knows you don’t go five-hole on Henrik [Lundqvist].”

The NHL warned Tortorella they will not tolerate any further ridicule, but due to a byline in the NHL rule book, cannot fine him twice in one week.

“You want to know the truth? I blame the [expletive] HBO cameras,” the fired up coach added. “They can’t fine me, can they? No? Good, [expletive] them. I can’t wait til those [expletive] leave our locker room.”

Follow Vin on Twitter – @vc_wg – He’s desperate for attention.

It happened late in the third period. Lindros controlled the puck into the Rangers’ zone when his old Rangers teammate, Mark Messier, stopped short on his skates causing some ice shavings to collide with Lindros’s face. Lindros immediately fell to the ice and slid through the goalie’s crease, dislodging the net.

“I didn’t even touch him,” said the Rangers captain and NHL Hall of Famer. “We used to ice each other all the time in practice. It was our joke. Get well soon, Lindy.”

The air was sucked out of Citizens Bank Park as Lindros was helped off the ice by his former “Legion of Doom” linemate, John LeClair.

Lindros was brought into the Flyers’ locker room where a doctor performed vision tests, and later confirmed the concussion.

“Cantaloupe orangutan the space station Mir,” said a dazed Lindros as he was escorted into the back of a waiting ambulance. “Shabba dabba Mexican, GOALLLLLL!”

The NHL is investigating the incident and has warned the Flyers that any retaliation for their former captain in Monday’s Winter Classic will result in a multi-game suspension.

“Have you seen how big 12-year-old kids get these days? That little goon should be charged as well.” said Milbury as he left a Brookline police station. “When we tied up we were practically looking each other in the eye.”

With the 32nd anniversary of the big fight between Bruins players and Rangers fans at Madison Square Garden just a few days away Milbury admitted to getting caught up in the moment.

“I don’t know what I had been drinking the night before but I swear I saw [Terry] O’Reily and [Peter] McNab charging out of the stands and onto the ice. Something snapped and I followed them.”

One witness, who asked to remain anonymous because Milbury coaches his son, said, “The funniest part was trying to watch him run across the ice. What a friggin’ loon.”

As soon as he reached the opposing team’s player Milbury started berating him with a series of expletives and threats. He then dropped to the ice and tried to pull the kid’s left skate off. A mass of parents rushed over the boards and eventually broke up the ruckus. Two dads from neighboring Roxbury pulled Milbury out of the crowd and zip-tied him to the steering wheel of a Zamboni.

Unlike in 1979 trying to hit somebody with a shoe or a skate is now considered assault. Milbury will eventually have to appear in Brookline District Court to face the charges levied against him.

“Well played, fundamentally sound teams are boring. They’re boring,” said one self-proclaimed New York die-hard. “What the heck am I supposed to call the radio and moan about? The Yankees pitching staff?”

The Giants and Jets are cruising, the Rangers are off to a nice start, and the Knicks are locked out. That doesn’t leave much for the New York fan to complain about.

“Normally about this time I’d be calling for Glen Sather’s head, but the Rangers look sharp,” one hockey aficionado stated. “The Islanders kind of stink but, I don’t know, do they even count?”

A wave of apathy has engulfed New York and its surrounding areas. Only Yankee fans know the feeling of watching a good team year in and year out, and even they love to whine about everything from player moves to ticket prices.

“It’s tough to be a New York sports fan right now,” said a blue and orange adorned Brooklyn hipster. “Don’t get me wrong, I want to rip the Mets, but I’m afraid everything has already been said and I don’t want to be accused of plagiarism.”

The only hope now is the NBA lockout is overturned, and the Knicks return to their underachieving ways, the Giants regress to the norm, and the Jets lose to their old rivals from New England this weekend. That would give them something to talk about.

HBO will supply the “24/7″ documentary series with some of its biggest stars to help boost ratings for the show. They will also cast NHL players in their award winning series’ to help the NHL brand.

Native New Yorker, Larry David will be brought in as the Rangers new equipment manager to add a bit of a comedic presence to the otherwise intense program. “True Blood” star Anna Paquin will play a supporting role of “Tina,” Rangers winger Brandon Dubinsky’s new squeeze.

A few Flyers’ players jokingly pitched the idea of filming an episode of the comedy series “Hung,” in their locker room, but were immediately shot down by Commissioner Gary Bettman.

In other casting news, Flyers’ captain Chris Pronger will play an unidentified member of the Lannister clan in season 2 of the hit series, “Game of Thrones.”

Henrik Lundqvist turned down the opportunity to play the love interest of Sarah Jessica Parker’s Carrie Bradshaw in the upcoming “Sex and the City 3: Women Be Crazy.”

“I’m a goalie, not an actor,” said Hank. “No disrespect, but I’m also not a fan of women who are twice my age.”

Rangers’ troublemaker Sean Avery landed a coveted role as “Mickey ‘The Pest’ Pescarelli,” a New Jersey bootlegger with Mafia ties, on “Boardwalk Empire.” He will appear as a nuisance to Steve Buscemi’s “Nucky Thompson” character for five episodes.

The NHL will also take a page out of their new bedfellow’s book, and change their slogan from “For the love of God, please like us” to “It’s not Sports, it’s Hockey,” in hopes of better connecting with new followers.