“It just completely blind-sided me,” Manning said. “There was no way to avoid it.”

Manning made it nearly all the way down the staircase but slipped on the last step, hyper-extending his right leg and tearing his anterior cruciate ligament (ACL) and medial collateral ligament (MCL) at the same time. Doctors also reported that Manning’s scrotum was partially ruptured in the accident.

“It’s unfortunate that he wasn’t wearing cleats at the time,” said Mets Physical Therapist and Designated Philosopher John Zajac. “This would never have happened had the Father’s Day ceremony been hosted by any other team at literally any other space or time, anywhere else in the universe, or even in another dimension. God must have a sense of humor.”

This injury comes as no surprise to anybody but Mets brass.

Medical experts and Mets fans understand that anybody who wears Mets gear and steps out onto the field assumes the risk of either catastrophic freak accidents or career-ending, permanent slumps. The incident comes at a bad time for the Mets, as the Giants’ ownership may be added to long list of plaintiffs seeking damage reparations from the team. The Wilp0ns had just paid off their ConEd bill after getting the power shut off, and also paid the fines levied by the U.S. Office of Labor Law Enforcement for allegedly violating labor laws, which included a statute recently passed that bans hiring hot dog vendors as professional baseball players.

Manning’s doctors are optimistic, but the quarterback is unlikely to recover from the injury. Baseball historians note that even if Manning recovers physically, he would likely suffer from depression and would be unable to perform such simple tasks as balancing a checkbook.

Mets fan Jerry Seinfeld was present at the game, and commented “What’s the deal with stairs anyway?”

Though it has not yet officially been revealed who splurged on Taylor’s ring, Mr. Tiger Blood himself is already staking claim to the diamond encrusted memento.

“I’m a major collector of all things sports, and when I heard my old buddy LT was selling his ring, I knew I had to have it,” Sheen said from the set of his new TV show that everyone will watch once and then delete from their DVR. “Plus I heard Larry had his ring hollowed out to store … we call it [obnoxious catchphrase for cocaine deleted.]”

Taylor couldn’t be reached to comment on the sale, although his probation officer Dan Gleeks fielded a few questions on behalf of the Hall of Fame Linebacker.

“Mr. Taylor is very happy with the amount his ring raised, and has promised to invest the money wisely,” Gleeks said. “As for Mr. Sheen, Mr. Taylor has never met, nor partied with him at any point in his life. All drunken photos of them together are merely crude image manipulations.”

Sheen stated he will wear the ring daily, and has no interest in keeping it in a vault.

“Why buy something so cool if you aren’t gonna wear it,” Sheen pondered. “Besides, after I cut the pornography from my lifestyle, I had $230k a month burning a hole in my pocket anyway.”

“We have ordered a few new, 100% oak bandwagons to accommodate the influx of fans,” said coach Tom Coughlin. “I’m not very surprised that we are facing this problem, but I was a little shocked that it happened so soon after the Super Bowl. I guess Jets fans just didn’t have the kind of good chemistry with their team, as opposed to how tight-knit we are with our fans, and our players are with each other in the locker room.”

On a side note, the Jets bandwagon force, which used to hold roughly half of the NY Metro Area’s football fans, now only holds around 20 percent of that original number of fans.

“I could hardly believe my eyes when I opened that box and saw the Patriots won again,” said a youngster named Sonkwe. “I’ve never seen an NFL game in my life, but I’ve been wearing my Patriots ’19-0 Perfect Season’ T-shirt every Sunday for four years. It reminds me that anything is possible and is probably the reason our own football team is playing in the African Cup final on Sunday!”

With a second championship in four years, Sonkwe is optimistic that the Patriots will someday be in the same conversation as his father’s favorite team, the Buffalo Bills.

“My father’s always bragging about the Bills winning four Super Bowls in a row,” said Sonkwe. “I realize the Patriots can’t duplicate that, but if they can win one or two more, in addition to the perfect season, it at least becomes an interesting debate.”

Gracious in victory, Sonkwe admitted he feels sorry for the Giants and hopes Eli Manning will one day find his way to the winner’s circle.

“I’m sure his day will come,” said Sonkwe. “And even if it doesn’t, at least he’s not as bad off as his older brother, who has to live with losing to freakin’ Rex Grossman.”

For Sonkwe’s father, seeing his son so happy is better than all four Bills Super Bowls combined, and even he sees a bright future for the Patriots.

“My knowledge of American football is limited at best,” said the boy’s father. “But from what I gather, two crucial factors for winning big games like these are a stout crunch time defense and sure-handed receivers. As you can tell by the look on my son’s face, those are two things the Patriots have in spades.”

“All was going well until he was told it was time to leave,” said a Disney PR spokesperson. “Eli started freaking out because he hadn’t had a chance to ride the teacups yet.”

The Disney spokesperson classified himself as an expert at temper tantrums, saying he’d seen it all, but “nothing compares to the fit Eli threw Monday.”

“Dad promised me if we won another Super Bowl I’d get to ride the teacups,” said Manning. “And then we were getting ready to get on the bus before anyone took me over to the teacups. It wasn’t fair. I have the worst life ever.”

“I heard a chorus of ‘Boos,’ and thought they were saying ‘Cruuuuzzz,” said MVP Eli Manning. “Then I noticed Rex Ryan had his arm around me. He asked if I’d like to play for the Jets next season. It was surreal.”

Ryan’s apparent mission on the day was to coax Eli to force a trade to the other team in New York.

“I want a Manning on my team,” Ryan said as he scuttled away from police. “If not Eli, I’ll take either of his brothers!”

NYPD officers were somehow unable to catch up to the impressively fleet-footed Ryan, but that wasn’t the last they’d see of the loudmouthed Jets’ Coach.

Ryan was found driving a pick-up truck at the front of the parade an hour later. He zoomed off down a side street and once again escaped the scene.

Later at City Hall, Mayor Bloomberg handed keys to every player on the Giants’ roster — including Rex Ryan, who stepped on stage in the guise of Giants’ lineman Chris Snee.

“Chris is the father of my grandchildren, he [Ryan] really thought I wouldn’t notice the difference?” asked Tom Coughlin. “I’ll give Rex some credit though, that son of a [expletive] is persistent.”

Ryan left City Hall on his own accord, but not before he proclaimed the Jets would have a parade of their own in 2013.

“I really appreciate the invitation to Disney World and I would love to accept,” Coughlin said to Disney president Robert Iger. “I know Disney World is supposed to be a fun place where people laugh and stuff, but I’m saying beforehand that I will not be laughing or having fun whatsoever. As most of you know, our defense gave up a ridiculous 17 points to New England and we, the coaching staff, are already game-planning to fix this problem for Week 1 of next season. This means that the Disney trip would be a working vacation for the team–me specifically–so I will be bringing our playbooks on the rides with me, which will help our team but will prevent me from enjoying the ‘fun’ of Disney World.”

Coughlin also said that there was one thing he would not be bringing to his Disney trip and that will be his traditionally-red face. Instead, Coughlin will be wearing his normal, peachy-face in Florida as he says that the red-face is only for games.