Patriots News
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Putin returns Super Bowl ring in exchange for Tebow’s autograph
In a statement issued by the team, Kraft said, “Mr. Putin recently tweeted about how happy he is that Tebow is now a member of the Patriots. So I asked Tim if he wouldn’t mind signing for the President so I can get my ring back.”
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Patriots sign Tebow to be Gronkowski’s chaperone
“We have a lot of money invested in Rob and we need to do what we can to protect that investment,” said Patriots coach Bill Belichick. “If that means paying some Bible-beating dork to stay in Rob’s shadow 24-seven, that’s what we’re going to do.”
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Gronk gets adamantium arm implant, goes on rampage
The procedure itself went off without a hitch but when Gronkowski awoke, he was angry and confused. He easily ripped off his restraints and shouted “GRONK SMASH!” before bashing a hole in the secret “hospital” and storming off.
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Jets lineman to IR with butt injury after boneheaded Mark Sanchez play
“Whether or not he needs a colostomy remains to be seen,” Whitman said. “We are also running tests to see if Mark is suffering from concussion problems after the play.”
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“How Gronk broke?” a bewildered Rob Gronkowski asks team doctors
“How Gronk broke? What this Gronk feel?” a clearly agitated Gronkowski was seen asking team physicians while in the Patriots locker room. “Gronk no like. Gronk want porn girl! Picture time! Picture time!”
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Albert Haynesworth to compete for Team USA in Olympic couch-sitting
“I’m really good at eating pork rinds,” Haynesworth noted. “I’m glad somebody finally can put my skills to use. I’d like to show the world how good Americans are at watching TV and eating snacks.”
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Belichick spends off-season dominating the competition on ‘Storage Wars’
“After about five minutes on the set I realized what a bunch of idiots I would be up against so I decided to spend my three-week summer break crushing these morons,” said Belichick, sifting through a stack of several dozen vinyl disco records taken from his latest haul.
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Zambian village celebrates Brady getting his 2nd ring, wonders if Eli will ever get over the hump
“I could hardly believe my eyes when I opened that box and saw the Patriots won again,” said a youngster named Sonkwe. “I’ve never seen a football game in my life, but I’ve been wearing my Patriots ’19-0 Perfect Season’ T-shirt every Sunday for four years. It reminds me that anything is possible.”
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Bill Belichick blames gray sweatshirt for Patriots’ Super Bowl loss
In surprising fashion, Patriots’ coach Bill Belichick blamed his team’s Super Bowl XLVI loss on the gray sweatshirt he wears on the sidelines of most games. Supposedly, the monogrammed sweatshirt with “B.B.” on it was only double-washed from the AFC Championship game as opposed to being triple-washed, which is what Belichick specifically asked for at the team’s hotel laundry room.
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