NHL News
Gray playoff beard gets Tortorella gig as new ‘Just For Men’ pitchman
His beard is weird, his stash is trash … but he doesn’t care, because John Tortorella’s graying playoff beard has landed him a lucrative endorsement deal.
Annoying little kid with no friends dreams of being NHL referee someday
Inspired by the terrible job NHL officials are doing during the 2012 playoffs, friendless annoying little kid Bobby Phillips has been inspired to become a league referee someday when he’s old enough to make the kind of awful decisions that negatively impact the lives of players and fans on his own.
Breaking News: Penguins sign James Harrison for remainder of Flyers series
An earlier game of the Penguins-Flyers playoff series featured 158 penalty minutes, four ejections, superstars Sidney Crosby and Claude Giroux dropping gloves. Facing the possibility of a first round elimination, the Penguins called for reinforcements by adding Steelers Pro Bowl LB James Harrison to their roster.
Shanahan adds 4 games to Shaw suspension after Torres’ hit on Hossa
NHL fans were again shocked by the actions of head disciplinarian Brendan Shanahan after he tacked four games onto Andrew Shaw’s controversial three-game suspension for the brutally dirty hit Raffi Torres laid on Marian Hossa Tuesday night.
Shaw legally changes name to Shea, reinstated for Game 3
“Wait, did you say Shea?” Shanahan asked, referring to Nashville Predators superstar Shea Weber, who was not suspended for slamming an opponent’s player into the glass. “My bad. I thought he was a nobody! Guys like Shea are held to a totally different standard.”
Firefighters spray flame retardant chemicals on downtown Vancouver in preparation for Kings’ sweep
The city of Vancouver is taking the unusual precaution of spraying flame retardant chemicals on its entire downtown area should the city’s unruly citizens react violently if the Canucks are swept out of the playoffs by the Kings Wednesday night.
Ozzie returns from suspension with Hitler mustache
“I didn’t mean nothing by it,” said Guillen. “I had some time on my hands during this suspension and decided to grow a mustache like one of my favorite athletes, Michael Jordan. I didn’t know people would think I grew it to be like Adolf [expletive deleted] Hitler.”
Coyotes goalie Smith named new professor in Vlade Divac School of Flopping
Vlade Divac has been away from the game for many years now, but he is always looking for talented individuals to teach the art of flopping, which he has mastered. It’s no surprise that he was very impressed with Coyotes goalie Mike Smith’s performance Saturday night of “man getting shot in back after brushing face into another player,” that he has recruited Smith to teach others in Vlade Divac’s School of Flopping.
Mike Smith traded to Vancouver where his flopping will fit right in
Impressed by the Coyotes’ goaltender’s flopping performance Saturday night against Chicago, the Vancouver Canucks acquired Mike Smith from Phoenix in exchange for goaltender Robert Luongo and a conditional draft pick.
Dopey Coyotes fans think they got one point for Saturday’s OT loss
After an intense overtime contest eventually won 4-3 by the Blackhawks Saturday night, a large portion of Coyotes fans didn’t grasp the full consequences of Phoenix’s loss, thinking regular season rules applied to the postseason.
