NHL News
Toews counters Kane’s partying antics with crazy Mother’s Day weekend in Branson
Jealous Patrick Kane’s reckless party animal persona, Jonathan Toews decided to let his hair down this Mother’s Day weekend in Branson, Mo., the town Bart Simpson once described as “Like Las Vegas if Ned Flanders ran it.”
Kane denied spot on Avengers: ‘Being drunk d-bag not a superpower,’ says Capt. America
“Patrick Kane is not of sound moral fiber,” said Captain America. “In fact, he is kind of a douche. We can’t have our superheroes uttering anti-Semitic remarks and choking 18-year-old girls at college parties.”
Athletes from all 4 sports plan league for concussed players
The planned league has the tentative name “Professional All Ball,” and will contain elements of the four major sports; baseball, football, basketball, and hockey. Game play will require considerably less contact, and more “good old fashioned fun.”
Kane denies passing out at Madison bar: ‘I’m not some candy-ass’
“As you can tell from the photos, I was partying my balls off all day and got a little tired,” said Kane, “but I wasn’t passed out. I was just taking a quick nap. I’m not some candy-ass who can’t handle his booze or something.”
Embarrassed Bruins fans retract tweets, admit they thought Willie O’Ree was Irish
“Man, that’s embarrassing,” said one fan, seen shaking his head outside the Finch and Bull Pub. “As an Irish guy from South Boston, I was always proud of Willie O’Ree and Terry O’Reilly. Now I guess I’m just proud of O’Reilly.”
Tim Thomas demands to see Ward’s birth certificate after OT winner
“It’s not necessarily that I think Ward’s here illegally and thereby inherently unable to compete in our league,” said Thomas, who refused to visit President Obama in the White House because of his political beliefs. “I’m just a concerned citizen who wants to make sure Joel Ward is not ineligible to score a decisive overtime goal on me.”
Blackhawks’ power play wins Vezina Trophy
Following a season in which Chicago’s power play crippled the franchise, the league has recognized the Blackhawks’ ineffectual special team by awarding it the Vezina Trophy, normally reserved for the top goalie in the NHL.
Intensity of playoffs leads to Coach Q’s mustache spontaneously combusting
The pressure of the playoffs finally got to Blackhawks coach Joel Quenneville as his infamous mustache spontaneously burst into flames during the first period of Monday’s pivotal first-round playoff contest against the Coyotes. Coach Q calmly extinguished the blaze and continued coaching. In less than five minutes the mustache had fully regrown.
Raffi Torres to return to Chicago for WWE Extreme Rules later this month
Newly suspended Phoenix Coyotes winger Raffi Torres is turning to a new outlet to unleash his violent streak. Since being handed a 25-game suspension, Torres was immediately contacted by WWE and offered a guest spot during their “Extreme Rules” event at Allstate Arena, Sunday, April 29. Torres agreed to terms almost immediately.
Desperate to catch the Predators, Red Wings in talks with Chris Hansen for next season
After suffering a humiliating 4-1 first-round playoff series loss to Nashville, Red Wings GM Ken Holland is looking to sign the ultimate Predator-stopper, NBC News’ Chris Hansen.
