"Bruce Smith used to give me nightmares," said John Elway. "Clowney makes Bruce Smith look like Bruce Jenner. And not the Bruce Jenner from back when he was winning decathlons. Bruce Jenner from now who looks like a corpse. That's how good Clowney is."
President Obama issued the executive order only after exhaustive peace talks between the fraternity brothers and the Texas A &M stand-out QB broke down at the last possible minute. When pressed by the Associated Press about the strong possibility of a nuclear option, President Obama responded that “All options were on the table.”
Speaking on the condition of anonymity, a Rutgers source said the university is no longer pursuing politically correct hires. “Clearly we have no skill whatsoever in hiring the right people. So we decided the hire the wrongest person we could find.”
"It's just too hard to find smart athletes, so I am gonna see if smart kids can play ball," he said.
The mistake is being blamed on a 25-year-old representative for the conference, who saw stories online about the selection of the new Pope. Incorrectly believing the gathering of several hundred Cardinals was an actual university, he included them in the the conference.
Eyebrows were raised recently when it was reported earlier this week that 2012 Heisman Trophy winner Johnny Manziel was taking college classes online and was only on campus once a month. A spokesperson representing the Texas A&M freshman denied the report saying that Manziel is doing coursework, not online, but through mental telepathy.
The high school’s principal said the move was made after Simeon, along with Duke, Kansas, Indiana and Florida, finished with a Top 5 recruiting class.
"Yes, I make a lot of money but it's still tough to make ends meet in this terrible economy," said Groce. "Up until just a few weeks ago we were sending Conner and Camden to school in burlap sacks and homemade cardboard shoes."