MLB News
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Quenneville tells Shaw Game 4 will be played in Rockford
“I love Shawzer and the intensity he brings to the game, but god damn it he’s got to turn it down a notch every once in a while,” said Quenneville. “The way he’s playing he’s never going to get a call, and we need a few breaks to go our way right now.”
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Cubs Week in Review: Feldmania in Wrigleyville
“Feldmania” continues to rage like Barry Bonds after a bad PED injection (allegedly, of course, we have no proof) as Scott Feldman won his fourth straight start Saturday.
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Anthony Rizzo splurges on a Vespa
“Ever since I played for Italy in the World Baseball Classic and got rides to and from games and practices on the back of my teammates’ Vespas, I have been looking forward to the day where I could purchase my own,” said Rizzo. “Thanks to the new contract, today is that wonderful day.”
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Cubs Week in Review: 4-2 versus good teams?!
The key to the team’s success is obviously derived from starting pitchers able to scientifically harness beard power and apply toward ERA/WHIP and velocity.
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Cubs pitcher Ed Jackson allowed to go back to ‘Edwin’ after getting first victory
“Man, it had gotten so bad that Dale [Sveum] was having all my teammates call me Edlose until I won my first game,” said Edwin/Ed/Edlose.
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Fed up with Wrigley restrictions, Ricketts to move Cubs to international waters
“In 2014, the Cubs will play all home games on a floating entertainment complex approximately 200 miles off the coast of Virginia,” said Ricketts.
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Cubs Week in Review: Nine games under and no opposable thumbs?
After a series split with the Padres, the North Siders were shown the broom by old friend Dusty Baker and the Large Crimson Contraption.
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Cubs and Sox mathematically eliminated from playoffs on same day
“I knew the Cubs were going to suck like usual, but I thought for sure Paulie and the boys would win it all just like in 2005, man!” said Beverly native Alex Markowski. “I already started gathering tires for the fire and everything!”
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Wrigley Field restoration to include toilets that really work
Alderman Tom Tunney revealed that during ballgames the city’s water level drops by nearly 50 million gallons, costing an average of $1.19 per flush during peak hours.
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MLB committee investigates why tape measures are not used to measure tape measure home runs
A blue ribbon committee headed by Hall of Famer Reggie Jackson will investigate why tape measure home runs are not actually measured with a tape measure.
