Mets News
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Being a fan of Mets, Jets or Nets causes erectile dysfunction, study reveals
“This study comes as a surprise to no one,” claimed Regina Benjamin, U.S. Surgeon General. “Mets fans have mostly been unable to achieve an erection since 1986, while many living Jets fans cannot become aroused even mentally.”
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Mets sign The Ghost of Manny Ramirez to bolster 2013 outfield
“I think The Ghost of Manny can be a really great addition to our squad this year,” said Alderson. “We knew we needed a fresh body to man the outfield, and when we called the The Ghost’s agent up in Heaven, we got an excited response from an apparition who sounded enthused to join the Mets.”
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Mets-sent ‘Dickey Extension’ email turns out to be erectile dysfunction spam
“We were had,” stated Ted Bender, a higher up in the Mets’ PR department. “I told them not to use this two-bit company, but they insisted. You’d be shocked what the bosses would do to save a few bucks.”
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Sandy Alderson earns billion-dollar contract extension after getting rid of Jason Bay
“Today is a great day in New York history,” said Fred Wilpon. “Mets fans should be on their knees in worship of Sandy Alderson for his wondrous job in getting rid of Bay. Sandy deserves nothing less than a billion-dollar extension for his work. Bravo Mr. Alderson, bravo.”
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Mets fans hold parade to celebrate Jason Bay’s departure
Detailed crowd analysis revealed that the parade, called the Bay Day March on Fiscal Freedom, got a better turnout than the San Francisco Giants did for their recent World Series rally.
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Mets to replace 2013 home games with Shake Shack eating contests between teams
“Since Shake Shack is the main reason most fans show up to Mets games in the first place, we figured we might as well embrace it,” said Jeff Wilpon, COO of the franchise.
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MLB to black out all 2013 Mets games, even for those at Citi Field
After fielding complaints about Mets games causing severe boredom and migraine headaches, MLB commissioner Bud Selig has decided to permanently black out all of the team’s games for the rest of their existence.
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Terry Collins berates Mets for winning when they should be tanking the season
“I have no excuses for this team at all,” a still visibly-perturbed Collins said at a postgame press conference. “When we want them to win, they lose. When we want them to lose, they win.”
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Following soda law, Mets also banned from New York
“We find that, by having banned supersized soda, crime and murder are eliminated from our streets,” the mayor said. “We are taking it a step further and anticipate a city filled with citizens who whistle while they work because they no longer have the Mets weighing heavy on their minds.”
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Collins resigns as Mets’ manager to become a librarian in Connecticut
Collins’ resignation had been hinted at by the skipper ever since he started with the team, mainly due to the ineptness that the Mets’ franchise normally displays. In addition, Collins also mentioned in his exit press conference that upon his leaving the Mets’ organization, he would immediately start work as a librarian in Greenwich, Connecticut, where he has a home.
