Bears News
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Matt Spaeth honored by Bears’ decision to retire his number 89
“To know that the Bears were so appreciative of my efforts is really something else,” said Spaeth, now with the Steelers after playing for Chicago in 2011 and 2012. “I only caught three TD passes in my two seasons with the team, but I guess that’s all you need to make a name for yourself on a franchise that’s been so lacking in the tight end department for decades.”
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Urlacher retires from NFL to pursue career as Mr. Clean spokesperson
“I feel I still have the ability to compete in the league,” said Urlacher. “But at the end of the day I wouldn’t be able to perform at the level I expect of myself. I’d just be too distracted by the urge to put on a tight-fitting white t-shirt, a single hoop earring, and cross my arms as I extoll the unmatched cleaning power of Mr. Clean products with Febreze freshness.”
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No deal: Urlacher only leaning toward Minnesota because knees won’t bend any other way
“I tried leaning south, but I’ve completely lost the range of motion,” Urlacher lamented, referring to his balky knees. “If someone could just pick me up and spin me, I’d be able to lean toward Denver or maybe even a team on the East Coast.”
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Gabe Carimi comes out as bad
“Jason Collins’ announcement really hit home for me, making me realize I needed to be truthful and let my teammates and fans know that I am not who I appear to be,” said Carimi. “I am not a competent football player. I am a bad football player.”
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Bears GM thought he was drafting Howie Long
“I watched Howie on television last fall and I swear he told Jimmy Johnson he was going to re-enter the NFL draft, so when I saw he was still on the board at Number 20, I jumped at the chance to get him.”
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Bears select son of lead actor from critically acclaimed movie ‘Firestorm’
Movie buffs, however, may have heard of Kyle Long’s father, Howie, who has been featured in such classic action-packed films as “Broken Arrow,” “3000 Miles To Graceland,” and his best-known role as firefighter Jesse Graves in the 1998 blockbuster movie “Firestorm.
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Trestman vows to have Bears playbook finished by Week 6
Marc Trestman is known for being an offensive genius from the Canadian Football League with a haircut rivaling LeBron James for best sports haircut, but what few people don’t know is that he still hasn’t finished the Bears playbook for next season.
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QB Jason Campbell exiled to Cleveland
“I know I’ve pretty much outlived my usefulness in pro football,” the 31-year-old signal caller said. “But being exiled to a team that’s averaged four wins each year since 1999, no joke, I could last another 5-6 years in this league.”
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Urlacher’s leadership skills lauded at local bingo hall
Ex-Bear Brian Urlacher turned some heads at a Lake Forest bingo hall this week. The NFL free agent was described as “vocal and vivacious” during a three-hour bingo tournament, loudly informing fellow bingo players where to pick up their cards and where to sit.
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No more pouts: Cutler gets Botox after being named face of franchise
“With Brian gone, I have to be the new face of the franchise,” said Cutler. “And [GM Phil] Emery told me to smile more. So as a true leader, I took it upon myself to get Botox injections. I’m that committed to this team.”
