Angels News
Angels list Pujols as ‘Dunn for the year’
The prognosis from Los Angeles Angels team doctors is as worst feared: 1B Albert Pujols has been officially pronounced “Dunn for the year,” as in Chicago White Sox 1B/DH Adam Dunn.
Pujols HGH shipments mistakenly sent to St. Louis
“When a client changes jobs it is customary to let us know,” said a BALCO spokesman. “We have been sending Pujols’s HGH supplies to St. Louis on schedule for the past 10 years, and Albert didn’t fill out the ‘new employer’ form. It looks like he is off the juice; no wonder he sucks.”
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Pujols blames slow start on not facing Cubs anymore
“Mostly, it’s the Cubs,” Pujols said. “I used to kill them. But now that I’m in the American League, it’s different. They’ve got real pitchers in this league, not the Triple A rejects they have on the Cubs. Playing against them I forgot how to hit real pitching.”
Cardinals send Albert Pujols his World Series ring mounted on the middle finger of cadaver
Any doubts Albert Pujols had that the Cardinals were harboring ill-will toward him after he left the team for the free agency millions of the Angels, were erased when he opened his mail Monday morning and discovered his 2011 World Series ring had been shipped to him on the middle finger of a cadaver’s hand, on dry ice in a Cracker Jack box.
Angels replace controversial ‘El Hombre’ billboards with new ‘Suck it, Musial’ slogan
After Albert Pujols informed the Los Angeles Angels he did not want them using “El Hombre” as a slogan on their billboards, out of deference to his personal admiration to Stan “The Man” Musial, team officials have replaced the offensive slogan with billboards that simply say “Suck it, Musial.”
Rangers sign Godzilla to $52 million contract as number two behind Darvish
“I’ve not seen ‘God-Z’ in person, but judging from his movies, he’s a true force to be reckoned with,” said Ryan. “I think he needs to work on his appreciation of the strike zone … and his appreciation for human life. After that, we’ve got ourselves a diamond in the rough.”
Angels rush to void deal after birth certificate surfaces proving Pujols is 45
The Los Angeles Angels quickly moved to void the 10-year, $254 million deal they handed Albert Pujols after a document surfaced from the Dominican Republic noting the slugger’s year of birth as 1966.
Angels announce ‘modest’ 240% hike in ticket prices
Following the high-profile signings of Albert Pujols and C.J. Wilson for a combined $335 million, the Angels have announced a “modest price increase” of 240 percent on all seats in Angel Stadium.
Pujols mocks Derrick Rose over paltry 5-year deal that ‘doesn’t screw fans at all’
“What a moron!” exclaimed Pujols. “I’m like 20 years older than him and I got myself a 10-year, quarter billion dollar deal! He didn’t even bother to screw over all his devoted fans. Such a joke.”
Wrigleyville street vendor burns Pujols-mocking T-shirts
“I could have donated them, but I didn’t feel like dragging them all to the Brown Elephant,” Vaughn said.“ Looks like my only hope for a profitable 2012 would be if the Cubs could sign Yu Darvish.”
