“The runner was safe by two feet,” admitted Hernandez after calling the Sox’ Alex Rios out on an inning-ending double-play in the 10th inning. “I figured it would be a good time to really piss off Hawk Harrelson.”
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“He can’t do any worse than what we got now,” manager Dale Sveum said after learning the 6’6”, 235-lb. right-hander would be joining his team. “Besides, ‘Feldmania’ is over, so why not try something new?”
“She said that eight-legged creatures would rain from the sky,” said UC employee Sam McAllister. “Sounded like gibberish to me. Then she yelled something about the Hawks never winning as long as the zebras ruled the land. I laughed. It makes me cry a little to think that I laughed.”
Shortly after Brian Urlacher announced his retirement from the NFL, Chicago Bears fans offered him the sincerest of congratulations and the warmest wishes in the years to come, forgetting the fact they had been calling him an asshole for the last several weeks.
“Finally!” admitted a Bud Light spokesperson. “Do you know how many couples we had planted in those bleachers dumping beer on each other? It’s about time those WGN-TV cameras finally caught it live. What on earth have they been filming instead?”
“To know that the Bears were so appreciative of my efforts is really something else,” said Spaeth, now with the Steelers after playing for Chicago in 2011 and 2012. “I only caught three TD passes in my two seasons with the team, but I guess that’s all you need to make a name for yourself on a franchise that’s been so lacking in the tight end department for decades.”
“When I was with the Lakers, they always told me that I could have ice cream after I ate my vegetables,” the 6’11” center told reporters. “I hate broccoli! It’s gross. I wanted to eat a pint of rocky road for dinner, and they never let me.”
Born in the town of Englewood, McGuire told entertainment television show TMZ. “I just can’t hide it anymore. I’m a true Jersey boy. Even worse, I now live in Connecticut.”
“I feel I still have the ability to compete in the league,” said Urlacher. “But at the end of the day I wouldn’t be able to perform at the level I expect of myself. I’d just be too distracted by the urge to put on a tight-fitting white t-shirt, a single hoop earring, and cross my arms as I extoll the unmatched cleaning power of Mr. Clean products with Febreze freshness.”
After Phil Jackson’s memoir, “Eleven Rings,” was revealed to contain a section where the Hall of Fame coach compared Michael Jordan and Kobe Bryant, LeBron James has spoken out to media to express his displeasure that Jackson failed to mention him in the conversation, despite the fact that James never once was coached by the former Lakers and Bulls coach.
“I love Shawzer and the intensity he brings to the game, but god damn it he’s got to turn it down a notch every once in a while,” said Quenneville. “The way he’s playing he’s never going to get a call, and we need a few breaks to go our way right now.”
