The Cubs took advantage of a rare road off-day Thursday to celebrate reaching an important milestone on the way to their eventual season-worst 18-game winning streak.
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Even though a potential deal is far from coming to fruition, it makes perfect sense for both parties. AARP makes its money by trying to make the lives of retired people better and the Yankees make their money by selling fans tickets to see old, washed-up, overpaid, and useless players who should probably be playing chess or shuffleboard instead of baseball.
Lawrence Taylor’s Super Bowl XXV ring sold at auction for over $230,000 this week. Even more amazing than the price was the mystery winner, Charlie Sheen.
“This is not the Chicago Small Walking Bears team, is it?” asked the Japanese outfielder through his interpreter. “When I was told I was going back to Chicago, I thought it was with the Small Walking Bears, but now I just found out this is some other team named after hosiery.”
“The Globetrotters like to be assured that opposing teams won’t try to score too much, as it detracts from their antics,” said team CEO Kurt ‘Vitamin K’ Schneider. “And the Cubs seem to play every game with no intention of scoring.”
“I’m thrilled to be back in Chicago,” said Prior. “There are no words to describe the feeling of taking Kerry’s spot on the DL. Very big shoes to fill.”
After scoring only 20 runs in their last seven games, and reaching a losing streak of eight, the Cubs received some outstanding news after Tuesday’s 2-1 loss to the Astros.
Less than a day after a photo of President Obama tossing a football at Soldier Field made the rounds, the talking heads at Fox News ripped Obama, calling his approach to quarterbacking just “more socialist nonsense.”
“I saw Starlin Castro knock in a pair with a hit to center field in the eighth inning,” said Chuck Mortillo of Evanston. “I jumped for joy. Turns out it was a replay of Castro’s fourth inning hit. I guess it’s on me for not paying close enough attention.”
“To be quite honest I’m done playing,” Wood said. “On the off chance that maybe a year from now I change my mind I can see myself pitching for St. Louis. That’s it. They’ve always done a great job resurrecting careers.”
Full cast and crew have yet to be announced, but a few names have been confirmed. Justin Bieber will star as the loveable, boyish, youthful team president, Theo Epstein. Jim Belushi will also star as an unemployed, down and out comic actor turned bleacher bum.
