MLB superstars and Las Vegas funboys Bryce Harper and Kris Bryant shocked the world of professional sports today by announcing that they are quitting to become magicians.
At a Mirage Hotel press conference, home town heroes Harper and Bryant explained why they will now continue the legacy of iconic Las Vegas illusionists Siegfried & Roy rather than play baseball.
“Two reasons,” said Bryant. “Attention and money. We are simply not getting enough of either through baseball. What with Kyle Schwarber getting engaged, Rizzo getting married, the new Blackhawks coach not having a mustache, and Khalil Mack getting all that cash, I am practically invisible in Chicago now. So I figured, why not really be invisible, and get paid a fortune without having to hit the breaking ball?”
Added Harper, “Yep. And all I hear about are the dust-ups and conflict in DC, Manny Machado, and the fact that no one in MLB front offices can count to 10 years. I just want to make it all disappear while raking in the money, having fun with Kris, and wearing fabulous costumes that complement my hair.”
When asked if they would be sawing someone in half during their shows, Harper nodded. “Yes. And hopefully it will be Machado.”
Photo by Pat LaMorte