The Chicago Cubs today ceased operations after their billionaire owner Joe Ricketts learned the players belong to a union, which he vehemently opposes.
“Today I learned that for eight years I have been unknowingly employing a bunch of union thugs,” said Ricketts, who also secretly instructed minions to burn down Wrigley Field overnight Thursday. “The sort of heavy-handed intimidation tactics they rely on are only to be employed by billionaire fat cats, not union fat cats.”
Ricketts also bought Stats, LLC and Baseball-Reference.com in order to erase the statistics of his now-former employees, thereby limiting records of their past performance which he hopes will make it tougher for the players to catch on with another team.
Added Ricketts, who has openly blogged about his disdain for unions: “I don’t care if the play of these unseemly opponents of free enterprise has made me billions. How dare they believe they have the right to bargain collectively with a billionaire like me? Don’t they know I have rights?”